Friday 11 November 2011
Reschedule
Just heard from Mac. He wants to re-schedule our spontaneous night of passion until the end of January when his diary is less hectic. Talk about taking the whimsy and excitement out of things! Thanks but no thanks!
Spontaneity is dead!
So... after the last email from Mac, where he basically suggested a quick shag in the local holiday Inn, he came to his senses, realised what he'd written was pretty insulting and after a couple of days sulking, suggested we meet in a gorgeous luxury hotel in East London. The Hoxton Hotel, chic, cool and a favourite of models and rock stars. That’s better I thought.
Then at the end of last week he wrote that it was really hard to book anywhere because we were meeting on a Friday, close to Christmas and everywhere was full. Rather than email back I looked at The Hoxton and a few other hotel websites for availability on that date, and they all had rooms. Weird. So either he has cold feet again and has made something up so we wouldn't meet OR he's just a lazy bastard and can't be arsed! I don't know.
So I wrote back a very nice email saying that I would book if he wanted, that I'm sure I could find somewhere... calling his bluff, you see. Then nothing! I have not heard a word from him since last Friday and today is this Friday. I really can't be arsed with it all anymore. It was all supposed to be sexy and spontaneous and now it's a pain in the bum and has lost all that was exciting! Might have to try toyboy.com!
Then at the end of last week he wrote that it was really hard to book anywhere because we were meeting on a Friday, close to Christmas and everywhere was full. Rather than email back I looked at The Hoxton and a few other hotel websites for availability on that date, and they all had rooms. Weird. So either he has cold feet again and has made something up so we wouldn't meet OR he's just a lazy bastard and can't be arsed! I don't know.
So I wrote back a very nice email saying that I would book if he wanted, that I'm sure I could find somewhere... calling his bluff, you see. Then nothing! I have not heard a word from him since last Friday and today is this Friday. I really can't be arsed with it all anymore. It was all supposed to be sexy and spontaneous and now it's a pain in the bum and has lost all that was exciting! Might have to try toyboy.com!
Friday 4 November 2011
Old Flame
Old flames are aptly named because they are the smoke with no fire!
Having recently returned from a trip to Morocco, and having witnessed all the loved up couples on my travels, I realised I had been single for 2 years, therefore, I've had no sex for 2 years! It's tragic!
So to resolve this dilemma, quickly and efficiently, I decided to offer my booty to an old flame. The old flame is one I have written about on here before and swore I would never see again. I actually told him I never wanted to see him again because of his constant lying and bullshit about separating from his wife, which is transpired, he hadn't.
The reason I picked him though is that I know where he's been and I know he's discreet, rich and desperate! The last time I saw him he told me that although he hadn't left his wife quite yet, he spent every weekend away with friends, and when he was at home, they slept in separate bedrooms. And, he added, they hadn't had sex in over 8 years. I'm not completely stupid and took it all with a pinch of salt, but judging on his performance, I would say it had been a very very long time since he'd had sex. You can sort of tell these things! So a perfect match for some harmless, one off sex, I thought.
I tested the waters with a short and sweet email. When I got an excited reply about how he thought he would never hear from me again and how he'd missed me and how he'd like to take me out for the day, to the coast or a long lunch, I dropped the bomb. "Actually," I wrote, "I'm going to be very honest with you but as we have never had a normal relationship and our romantic day and weekends away have always been a disaster, I was thinking that maybe we could just meet at a lovely hotel for the night and have some hot, dirty sex?". There it was.
Nanoseconds later he replied, "Oh my god, I wasn't expecting that and I've just fallen off my chair. But yes, oh yes please, I would love to meet and have dirty sex with you." Well, what red blooded man would turn down free uncomplicated sex?
We then agreed on a date and it was all going to plan... UNTIL I suggested a few places in town that are beautiful and quite luxurious for our little tryst. Whenever we have been anywhere in the past, he has chosen lovely, tasteful places so I thought that would still be the case, especially for what we had in mind. He came back with a reply that was a bit... well, yuck!.
He wrote:
“Fuck me, for a girl who doesn't want romance, St. Pancras is described as londons most romantic hotel, plus a fab breakfast, which we won't have, obviously!!! I'm slightly, errr, impecunious at the moment. So let's get down at the nearby Euston Ibis - you book it and check in (and out) and I'll pay you. Drinks on me as well!! I'll come up to the room and meet you there. I'll send you the link for the hotel. I've stayed there a couple of times after dinners and it's very comfortable if functional. I'm getting very excited by this cos I never thought I'd hear from you again.”
Yuck, yuck!! There are so many awful things to pick out in this email, I was gobsmacked.
1. Implying it will be a quick fuck so no need for breakfast.
2. Typing the words "let's get down.." Eughhh!
3. The Euston Ibis the worst kind of salesman's motel. Ten steps down from a Holiday Inn. Characterless, cheap and ugly. Him saying "comfortable and functional" is so clinical. Yuck!
4. "You book, check in and I'll pay you". Um, I think you're confusing me with a prostitute?
5. "Drinks on me as well!!" Oh, how generous! I wouldn't be seen dead in the Ibis bar!
5. "I'll come up to the room and meet you there". Ok, really starting to make me feel like a cheap whore.
In fact, even typing it out has got me sooooo angry again. I know emails can be misread and the tone of voice lost, but really. It's all too sleazy!!
I wrote back a terse paragraph: "I think we have our wires crossed. The Ibis is dreadful and the opposite of what I had in mind Mac. When I suggested a sexy evening with you, I didn't mean it had to be some tarts hotel for a quickie, and then "pay me" afterwards!! If you want that sort of thing, be my guest… go to the Ibis. You will be able to find an amenable girl outside Kings Cross station and be able to pay by the hour!!"
Unsurprisingly, I haven't heard back, so it just might be a little longer until I have sex again!!!
Thursday 13 October 2011
Lots of friends, no one to talk to
I read an article about Eddie Izzard, the comedian, the other day and he said that he was often incredibly lonely because "he knew lots of people but didn't have any friends". I felt like writing to him and saying "I know what you mean, I feel the same way sometimes."
It didn't always used to be like this. Ten years ago, before all my friends began having children, there would be endless dinner parties, girls nights out, girls nights in. My social life was wonderful. I honestly never thought it would change quite so much. I guess I was lucky growing up because my parent's friends never seemed to change when they had children. Their social lives got busier and the children would be taken everywhere... dinner party, ooh yes please, I'll just shove the baby on the spare bed. BBQ, fantastic, can the kids watch TV?
There is one huge difference though. I'm the one without the kids. That's why my social life has gone wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, not by God .. although he has a lot to answer for, but by my friends for not having children. I'm constantly told "You don't understand, I have no life. I'm exhausted and have no time for myself. EVER! You are so lucky Jules, you can lie in bed and read the papers, you can read a book, you are able to travel and have dinner dates and so on and so on". Some of my friends seem to hate me for it. They have no idea that I still wonder why I should be on this planet if I can't have children. That I am a waste, totally inadequate as a human and as a woman. That no man will ever want me because I am barren. That I feel totally excluded from their lives because I don't have children. It makes me feel unwanted and useless. But then I can't tell them that because then it sounds so selfish.
And, its bollocks about not having a social life. My friends tell me about their BBQ's and their street parties and their childrens parties. It's just I'm not invited. If I had children I'd be invited. Also because I'm single I get left out of couples dinner parties and there never is a spare man is there? So it's not always greener is it?
I have a best friend. Someone I used to tell everything to. She is still my best friend.. if you're reading this. She means the world to me but I never hear from her. I leave it weeks and I still don't hear from her so I ring or text or email. Then I get upset because I think, if I never ever rang her again would she think to ring me? I could be dead in my flat and she wouldn't know for months. This morning, I read about the unhappy time she is having... on her blog. I try and reach out and ask her what's wrong but she puts up her wall and says nothing. I feel I lost her a few years ago and when a particularly traumatic event happened last year, I felt I'd lost her again because she wasn't there. The thing is, I know her so well. I know that when she is lost or miserable the first thing she does is recede into her shell and says nothing. She can't share. She's not like that. Her lovely Mum was very stoic and stiff upper lip and my darling friend is the same. I miss her like mad. I feel a bit of her has disappeared with her sadness and I wish I could make it better. But how do you force someone to talk to you without becoming over dramatic or a pain in the arse??
I started writing another blog a few months ago and she had links to that and this blog on her own page. When I read her blog this morning I noticed the links had gone. I'm not sure what that means. I'm not even sure if she reads either of them. I want some sort of sign if I've done something wrong. I want her to tell me to stop being paranoid. I want to be told to stop worrying and believe her. I want to not have to write a very personal blog in order that it might reach her.
To you, my darling friend... I love you.
It didn't always used to be like this. Ten years ago, before all my friends began having children, there would be endless dinner parties, girls nights out, girls nights in. My social life was wonderful. I honestly never thought it would change quite so much. I guess I was lucky growing up because my parent's friends never seemed to change when they had children. Their social lives got busier and the children would be taken everywhere... dinner party, ooh yes please, I'll just shove the baby on the spare bed. BBQ, fantastic, can the kids watch TV?
There is one huge difference though. I'm the one without the kids. That's why my social life has gone wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, not by God .. although he has a lot to answer for, but by my friends for not having children. I'm constantly told "You don't understand, I have no life. I'm exhausted and have no time for myself. EVER! You are so lucky Jules, you can lie in bed and read the papers, you can read a book, you are able to travel and have dinner dates and so on and so on". Some of my friends seem to hate me for it. They have no idea that I still wonder why I should be on this planet if I can't have children. That I am a waste, totally inadequate as a human and as a woman. That no man will ever want me because I am barren. That I feel totally excluded from their lives because I don't have children. It makes me feel unwanted and useless. But then I can't tell them that because then it sounds so selfish.
And, its bollocks about not having a social life. My friends tell me about their BBQ's and their street parties and their childrens parties. It's just I'm not invited. If I had children I'd be invited. Also because I'm single I get left out of couples dinner parties and there never is a spare man is there? So it's not always greener is it?
I have a best friend. Someone I used to tell everything to. She is still my best friend.. if you're reading this. She means the world to me but I never hear from her. I leave it weeks and I still don't hear from her so I ring or text or email. Then I get upset because I think, if I never ever rang her again would she think to ring me? I could be dead in my flat and she wouldn't know for months. This morning, I read about the unhappy time she is having... on her blog. I try and reach out and ask her what's wrong but she puts up her wall and says nothing. I feel I lost her a few years ago and when a particularly traumatic event happened last year, I felt I'd lost her again because she wasn't there. The thing is, I know her so well. I know that when she is lost or miserable the first thing she does is recede into her shell and says nothing. She can't share. She's not like that. Her lovely Mum was very stoic and stiff upper lip and my darling friend is the same. I miss her like mad. I feel a bit of her has disappeared with her sadness and I wish I could make it better. But how do you force someone to talk to you without becoming over dramatic or a pain in the arse??
I started writing another blog a few months ago and she had links to that and this blog on her own page. When I read her blog this morning I noticed the links had gone. I'm not sure what that means. I'm not even sure if she reads either of them. I want some sort of sign if I've done something wrong. I want her to tell me to stop being paranoid. I want to be told to stop worrying and believe her. I want to not have to write a very personal blog in order that it might reach her.
To you, my darling friend... I love you.
Wednesday 27 July 2011
What is... normal?
I haven't written in months which is very naughty, sorry. I actually only have about 5 people that read this so probably could apologise individually.
Anyway, the road to being normal is still in guinea pig mode. When I say normal, I mean relative to me. Other people’s normal is not mine. I am now seeing a rather good specialist who is an HRT and menopause consultant. She has me currently on a recipe for feeling good:
2 squirts of a french oestrogen gel - rub on upper arms every morning
1 pea size squeeze of testosterone gel - rub into inner thigh (this, I was afraid would give me full beard and make me drink Stella but for now it is prescribed by the doctor to regulate my testosterone levels to normal (again, my normal) which will help my energy levels, my libido and might help with my weight loss. The libido thing is a worry... my sex drive is perfectly fine for someone that hasn't has sex in about 2 years. Ha, ha, ok so that's not a great statement. If (and always hopeful) and when I get a boyfriend I will probably not let him out of bed for the first week!
1 progesterone capsule - shoved up my vag every night for days 1-10 of the month. Jesus Christ, this is the one thats killing me. Its horrible and so so unladylike putting something up there and no, its not like a tampon. My doctor did make me laugh though... she said if I was being intimate with a man, then the benefit of having this was that I could still have sex. When I frowned at her she just said I could put it up my arse instead (I hoped she meant the capsule not the penis!) Except she didn't say arse, she just did 2 short whistles and pointed to her bottom. Brilliant, so the choice of 2 places of rest for this butt plug should make me feel better!!! It makes me feel hideous too, imagine 10 days of the worst PMS you have ever had, times 10.
Then I have my period and then, ooh, arent I lucky, the remaining 2 weeks of the month I feel ok. So, a work in progress I am.
What else? Um, soya and flaxseed supplements and of course, I'm still on weight watchers and watching the tedious progress of losing only about half a pound a week. Have been on this particular strict diet for over 10 weeks and have lost about 6lbs. Slow but moving in the right direction.
So I will try and update again sooner. I am about to join an internet dating site called Muddy Matches so wish me luck!!!
Anyway, the road to being normal is still in guinea pig mode. When I say normal, I mean relative to me. Other people’s normal is not mine. I am now seeing a rather good specialist who is an HRT and menopause consultant. She has me currently on a recipe for feeling good:
2 squirts of a french oestrogen gel - rub on upper arms every morning
1 pea size squeeze of testosterone gel - rub into inner thigh (this, I was afraid would give me full beard and make me drink Stella but for now it is prescribed by the doctor to regulate my testosterone levels to normal (again, my normal) which will help my energy levels, my libido and might help with my weight loss. The libido thing is a worry... my sex drive is perfectly fine for someone that hasn't has sex in about 2 years. Ha, ha, ok so that's not a great statement. If (and always hopeful) and when I get a boyfriend I will probably not let him out of bed for the first week!
1 progesterone capsule - shoved up my vag every night for days 1-10 of the month. Jesus Christ, this is the one thats killing me. Its horrible and so so unladylike putting something up there and no, its not like a tampon. My doctor did make me laugh though... she said if I was being intimate with a man, then the benefit of having this was that I could still have sex. When I frowned at her she just said I could put it up my arse instead (I hoped she meant the capsule not the penis!) Except she didn't say arse, she just did 2 short whistles and pointed to her bottom. Brilliant, so the choice of 2 places of rest for this butt plug should make me feel better!!! It makes me feel hideous too, imagine 10 days of the worst PMS you have ever had, times 10.
Then I have my period and then, ooh, arent I lucky, the remaining 2 weeks of the month I feel ok. So, a work in progress I am.
What else? Um, soya and flaxseed supplements and of course, I'm still on weight watchers and watching the tedious progress of losing only about half a pound a week. Have been on this particular strict diet for over 10 weeks and have lost about 6lbs. Slow but moving in the right direction.
So I will try and update again sooner. I am about to join an internet dating site called Muddy Matches so wish me luck!!!
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