I MUST stop whingeing!!

I just read my last blog and bloody hell, I'm surprised anyone would read it. I don't half go on and on about shite don't I? Moaning about this, complaining about that... I am going to try and be a bit more positive from now on.

However, a couple of moans for good measure!!

I still haven't heard if I'm getting my equity release. My mortgage broker called last week and sounded a little frantic about getting my applications off, to various lenders. I wondered why he was getting so agitated until he said "Well, I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I wanted to get all your stuff done and dusted today!" So, he's gone to Spain for 10 days and I won't hear anything until he comes back.. bloody brilliant. There's me stressed to the hilt, not sleeping, wondering what my future will hold, and old mortgage guy is off on his hols. Have a lovely time, don't worry about me!! So another agonising week of nothing.

I've been sleeping so badly its affecting my work. I toss and turn all night and fall asleep in a sweaty awkward position. I wake abruptly when the alarm goes off and I don't feel at all rested. My body thinks I've been working as a contortionist, all twisted and uncomfortable. Last week I was half an hour late for work on 2 mornings. The studio was fine with it, they are friends and didn't mind and it all works out ok because I just stay a bit longer at the end of the day...

This morning was a different story. I didn't fall asleep until past 3 am. I woke at 6am with a neck spasm so painful I couldn't move my head. When I tried to move, it shot a dagger up the back of my head into my temple. Shit shit shit, I thought, I have to go into work, I cannot let this stop me working. I ran a very hot bath, took some painkillers, rubbed on some arnica and then got back into bed for an hour. Nothing helped. By 8am I knew I had to make the dreaded call to work. Oh, this is a different studio to last week, by the way. A really great studio in Kensington that I love freelancing for. They were hit quite badly by the recession and have only just been getting their favourite designers back in, so I was thrilled when they rang last week and booked me. Now I was ringing the studio manager and trying to explain what had happened... on her voice mail!!! Anything you try and say on a Monday morning sounds flaky. No one believes there is anything wrong with you I'm sure. They all think "oh, I bet she had a heavy weekend and can't be bothered" But thats wrong! I get paid by the hour. If I call in sick, then I'm sick. I am losing a lot of money if I don't go to work and believe me, I cannot afford not to. So when I do call in sick its for a very damn good reason. I simply cannot work!!

So I sent off the message and hear nothing back. I call again at 9:30 and she is in a meeting. I text her at 10:30 and no answer. Shit... she hates me. I then get a text from her saying please read my email. Oh dear! So I get myself out of bed, hot water bottle wrapped round my head, secured with a tea towel (quite weirdly, a good 50's headscarf look!!!) and check my email. The disappointment in her message is just pouring out of the screen. She not only has got someone to replace me today but for the rest of the week because as she says "we can't risk you not being well tomorrow". Ok, so thats fair enough... she has a point. I don't even know if I will be all right tomorrow. But she continues to say how understanding they've been in the past with my illnesses and they just can't take the risk of having unreliable freelancers!!!! No!!!!!

This surprised and upset me because the "illnesses" she is referring to were all totally real and unfortunate. Two of them were last summer:

I fell off stage at a party and badly sprained my ankle so I had to keep my foot up for a couple of days with frozen peas but managed the rest of the week in the studio on painkillers and crutches.

Then, just when I thought it was safe to come off the crutches, I attempted the stairs at the same studio and fell down 2 flights, pulling my shoulder out as I grabbed the railing. I carried on working but the next morning was in agony. I went to my osteopath who said I might have torn a ligament and was pulling on my shoulder to see when we heard a pop and then I blacked out. He had actually dislocated my shoulder trying to make it feel better. I went to hospital and was put back together and told to rest it for a few days. So I had to call in sick for that!! Not my fault!!!!

Then there are my excruciating period pains which I have to warn all new studios about. Basically for the first 24 hours of my period I am totally incapacitated. I am bent double with hot water bottles front and back and codeine coming out of my eyeballs. I have had 2 laparoscopy's, 1 colposcopy and other investigative work done to see if they can understand why my periods are so painful. I had a bit of endemetriosis removed and have a sizable fibroid which they said might have something to do with it but they didn't think it worth removing!! Their conclusion, after all these years is that I'm unlucky, its inherited (very true as my mother suffered terribly and had a hysterectomy at 30 and my sister has had a partial one at 43... not much hope for me then). But I have to explain to my prospective employers that this one day, almost every month, is a non work day. Embarrassing, humiliating but true. Of course, I can't say for sure that it will be the second Monday of every month... so sometimes it comes early and I have to call and explain. I hate it. Its the fucking bane of my life. I want to rip my insides out it hurts so much, so when I have to call and say "sorry its my period" I sound like a stupid, pathetic work-shy idiot. That's what she's referring to I think.

There is not much I can say back apart from sorry and please know it was real pain and I'm not making it up and I love working there and please don't drop me as a freelancer... I don't want to come across as unreliable. That's the worst feeling ever.

Ok thats the moaning done... I have just started getting paid for work I did 6 weeks ago. Money in the bank... weeeheeeee. Its been nearly 3 months since I had proper money! I can start eating nice things again and maybe going to the cinema once a week like old times and bloomin heck, I could really push the boat out and go to the theatre!! There's a hell of a lot of good stuff on right now!! AND if I do get my equity release I'm going to bugger off to the sun for a week and lie there and do nothing but read and swim and play tennis... yes, ON MY OWN most probably but who cares. Sun and sand, oh joy!!