In limbo

I can't seem to get on with anything. I'm in total limbo with the baby thing, the flat thing, the money thing.

I'm STILL waiting to hear about my bloody mortgage.. apparently it's 80% there and sorted but now I have to have a surveyor round to value my flat. They are utter utter bastards! So once again, clean the flat from top to bottom, fresh baked bread smells and fresh flowers on display. Every time an estate agent comes round I fall in love with my flat all over again because I make it look so damn nice! Why it can't look this good ALL the time? In half an hours time, there will be papers all over, a pile of washing, a sink full of plates and the post scattered across my wooden floor in the hallway. And it's only me, on my own!!! How can one tidy girl create such havoc?

The baby thing is the real mind fuck right now though. My friend hit it on the head yesterday by saying that for the past year, I was so convinced that I couldn't physically have children, that I wanted it more than ever. Now I have got half my hormone tests back and they are all very good, so I CAN (on paper) have a baby but there are chinks in the whole plan. One morning I wake up 100% that I want a baby, the next morning I wake up 100% that I just can't do it.

I have asked about 10 friends over the last 2 weeks (friends that have children), that if they were to step into my shoes right now, would they have a baby? About 8 out of ten said they wouldn't have a baby if they were me. This is taking on board I don't have a partner, my family are 2 hours away, I am a freelance designer earning only just enough, I am grumpy when I've had no sleep and get ill quite a bit (ok thats the negative!)

Two of these friends are my closest friends. I was so gutted to hear them say it but they were being honest. They both said that even with the support of a boyfriend/husband, having a baby was sooo hard. To do it alone, they said, would be too difficult.

Then one other friend, out of the blue, the only friend I know thats done it alone, said, no matter how hard it all is, you DO cope, you DO find support, you DO find the money. She said to me "Jules, you've got to think about it like this... if you accidentally got pregnant tomorrow, you did the test etc., would you have an abortion?" Oh my god, of course not. "Well then, you would cope wouldn't you. You would have the baby even thought the circumstances weren't perfect and you would love that baby just as much as if you'd spent years planning it."

She's right. When I found out in January that I was pregnant and I did 3 pregnancy tests to make sure (it disappeared 3 weeks later) ... I couldn't stop smiling. I was even standing there in front of the mirror, sticking my stomach out to see what I'd look like (didn't have to try too hard, bit of a belly anyway!!) I rashly joined a baby forum who still send me emails (it was hard when they said a month ago "congratulations on your new baby"). I would have had a baby right now... and I would be struggling but I would be so in love with it that nothing would matter. I know that.

Still, there is a nagging feeling that morally I am not doing it right. It has been hammered into me from such a young age, the traditional lifestyle, the way things should be... things happen for a reason. I've said this my whole life too. Karma, kismet etc. I totally 100% believe in it all. I have had my palm read about 3 times in 20 years and every time, the palm reader said she couldn't see children in my life. I mean, that's really really a harsh thing to say to someone. BUT, here's the thing. By her saying that to me.. did I have some self fulfilling prophecy? The more I was told it couldn't happen, have I made it NOT happen?? Do you see what I mean? If someone says you can't, you can't, you can't, over and over, you eventually believe them.

There's always the rebel in me though, that says fuck you, I CAN do it, no one says I can't do something. This happened when I was 16.. I was told I was incredibly bright in all the sciences and that I should do A Levels etc. in those subjects. I wanted to do art though. Art and music and drama. My O' level grades were pretty poor in art but I insisted that I would work so hard and be good at it. Well, there you have it, I wasn't the best artist, I'm still not.. but I know my strengths (a good eye for colour and layout) and my weaknesses. Instead of choosing to be a sculptor or go into textiles, I knew I would be better at graphic design, I knew I could make a living out it and I do.

So I HAVE rebelled throughout my life, I have gone against everyone's advice and I have come out the other side happier. I moved across the world twice following my dreams, I have traveled the world when financially I shouldn't have. I've gone out with inappropriate men and partied to excess when I knew it would make me feel shit for weeks. I have done a lot of things I shouldn't have, for all sorts of different reasons, but do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.

12 years ago, at a Boxing Day party with my family, I went around the room of friends and family, old and young, and asked them if they regretted not doing something in their lives. If, on their death bed, would they say "I've had a good life but I wish I'd had the courage to do... (and fill in the blank)". I would say about half of them looked a little sad or simply shrugged and sighed. Half that group of people had dreams and wishes that they'd never gone for. Sometimes, not even their partners knew about these dreams and were shocked at certain revelations. There were rock stars, dancers and doctors in that room and for one reason or another they were advised against doing it. How sad, I thought. The next week I flew back to London from a wonderful life in Boston US, to pursue my dream of acting. Safe to say, I am not a Hollywood star but I gave it a good go and now I am happy to say, well at least I tried. I still do some amateur stuff on stage and I'm happy with that.

Based on that party and people's responses, I decided if I wanted to do something badly enough, I would make it happen. I would never want to be on my death bed and say "I wish I'd had a child" God, that's just sent shivers down my spine. I don't want to live my life without a child. WOW, its amazing what happens when you write things down.

So, tomorrow I have the pelvic ultrasound. I can't really afford to do it (it's £150) but I need to know from them, if they think I can have a baby. As I said before, there is a fibroid but I can't keep putting this appointment off. I need to know one way or the other don't I??