Should I get religious?

Maybe I should embrace religion a little more because then I'll have an excuse to pray to someone. I'm supposed to be Christian and was brought up Church of England but I feel bad asking for Gods help when I only go to church 3 times a year!

The reason for wanting to pray is that I feel if anything else goes shit in my life I might possibly go insane and praying seems to be the only option I haven't tried.

Every year I say to myself "God (you see he does get a mention!) this year has been terrible. Next year will be my year.. I will find love and success and peace and be healthy and happy." One of those would be nice. Yet, every fucking year it gets worse, every year its shittier. Here's a little rundown of my crappy year so far (I'm hoping my list for 2009 ends here).

January: Pregnant. OH MY GOD. For 3 weeks.. overjoyed. Then it was gone, doctor said they sometimes just disappear. Sad.

February: Decide to get fit and healthy and save money in order to properly try for another baby although no boyfriend so would be a bit difficult. Lose 2 stone in 2 months. Yeah.

March: Economy shit. Lose job. Unemployed for 3 months. Bad.

April: Mortgage, credit card, loans all in danger of not getting paid. Can't pay them. Credit rating slips and all finances frozen. Still staying fit and healthy though as cycling and walking everywhere due to poverty.

May: Start drinking and smoking too much due to lack of work and general depression.

June: Summer in London is non existent so can't even get a tan while unemployed! Bum!

July: Spend birthday on my own up at our family house in Cumbria because my mum has paid me a pittance to do the gardening. Am so desperate for money I agree. Sad.

August: An old flame appears and whisks me off for a brighter future. Realise, after 12 hours he is still the same shit he always was and come home heartbroken. Work begins trickling in again. Good.

September: Go to a seminar about having a donor sperm baby as a single mother. Decide to do it. Very excited. Then get told the cost is £2,500. Oh. Realise in order to pay off massive debt from being jobless will have to borrow money against my house. I need £20,000. They give me only £6,000.

October: Find out good friend has terminal cancer at the age of 34 and has 3 months to live. Realise life really is too short and tell my friends I am going to try for a baby on my own no matter what. Get really crap reaction. Not many people think I CAN or SHOULD do it alone. My mother tells me its a really stupid idea. I feel crushed and broken.

November: Work picking up. Good. Friend has weeks to live. She is fading away in front of my eyes. Parents are told they cannot stay in their house. They have no money to live on so they need to sell it. They are devastated. Daddy is very unhappy since retiring. He feels he has no purpose and keeps talking about dying. Very hard to be around. Have flu jab to prevent flu. Get flu. Decide to quit smoking and get the most disgusting cough. Feel like absolute shit. Can't drink because get put on antiobiotivs because the flu jab gave me flu and then it turned into bronchitis. On antiobiotics for 3 weeks. Friend dies. I read at her funeral and after holding it together for weeks, suddenly fall apart. Once I start I can't stop and cry for almost 3 days. I can't drink because I know as soon as I have a glass of wine I'll want a cigarette and I've QUIT!!!! Get swine flu jab to prevent swine flu. Get small bout of swine flu. Feel appalling for 2 days. Go down to my sisters in Somerset to rest and get better. Get food poisoning and remain in bed for 2 more days. Decide I cannot have a baby alone. Emotionally, physically and financially I simply can't do it alone and with no support its just impossible. Nor do I want to do it alone. People tell me I'm brave to make the decision. I feel like a loser. Three close friends on the same day, email me to say they are pregnant. I am not overjoyed. Oh and to cap things off nicely... because I've stopped smoking I'm eating so now I've put on half the weight I lost earlier in the year. Shit!

December: Start praying.