Annoying people at the Tate

I don't call people genius's lightly but after seeing the Chris Ofili exhibition at Tate Britain I can say in my opinion, he is. Yes, most people know him for his bad boy, young British Artist work, 'porn and dung', but until you see them up close, please don't judge. The detail in his work, the patterns, the layering, the colours, the humour in his paintings are simply brilliant. The only thing that spoiled it is the same thing that spoils most things these days... inconsiderate people.

One of the rooms of paintings is called 'The Upper Room', a sort of inner sanctum within the gallery space. Designed by his architect friend, it is a beautiful smelling, luxurious, intimate room made of walnut and housing 13 paintings. Dramatic spotlit canvases of monkeys in every hue with a stunning gold monkey at the end of the room. Jesus and his twelve disciples perhaps. Every person was given the same pamphlet as they went into the exhibition and Chris Ofili himself is quoted in the leaflet as saying: "It was important for the space to feel akin to a space of worship and to experience the kind of feelings you get when you walk into a place like that. I wondered if that was possible, whether paintings could enhance that feeling."


Well Chris, I hate to be the one to tell you this but no one treated the space with that sort of respect. The attendants in the room have the power to tell you not to touch, so why can't they tell people to "shut the fuck up". There were groups of students coming in to sit down for a rest and a gossip, ignoring the work completely. One girl even came in the room and said, in that sort of posh but street accent "Oh God, its like another fucking room of shit!!" I actually giggled at that because the pun she had made, inadvertently referred to the the elephant shit balls on most of his work. Older groups were having VERY loud conversations, others were chatting on their mobile phones whilst standing with their backs to the work. I sat there for over half an hour hoping there would be a point where the room would clear out and a hush might descend. No such luck. The attendants DID notice but simply rolled their eyes at people and looked at the ceiling. I couldn't even say, in my "old before my time" way... "what's happened to the youth of today, they have no manners and are so rude and selfish!!" because it wasn't just the teenagers, these were people of every age, every gender, every race. Fucking buggers ruined my lovely quiet inner sanctum experience!!! So I might have to go back at 5 minutes before opening time and sprint to that room and sit until other people come and ruin it for me.

If pushed on this subject I could actually tell you of inconsiderate behavior everywhere... maybe it's just me, am I becoming intolerant (please leave a message if I'm not alone)? I tut at people on the tube as they sneeze or cough over me, I sigh loudly and turn away when a gaping yawn from a business man tells me what he had for lunch, I give people terrible dirty looks when they don't offer their seats to older, pregnant or disabled people. I've been told off by my sister for telling off her two boys. Ok, here, I know should keep my mouth shut for the sake of family harmony but when I am sitting opposite my nephews at the lunch table and they talk over my mother and father or burp or put their elbows on the table or eat with their mouths open, and my sister says NOTHING, I feel it is my duty to tell them off. No?? (Again I would love to hear your opinion). My parents reaction to my horror at modern manners, is to laugh and say "its because you live in London". Their solution to every one of my angsts, from mini cab drivers who don't know their way, to overcrowding on public transport to girls fighting in Primark, is to say "Darling, just move to the country".


As if bad manners are exclusive to London!!! I would love to remind my Father of the time he was waiting patiently for a parking space in M&S car park, and watched in horror as an awful "oik" (his term) came from nowhere and stole it. He actually got out of the car and said "excuse me (in his poshest and most authoritative tone), I was waiting for that space for some time, do you think that's fair?" and was met with such a tirade of foul language he was left speechless. He came home minus shopping because he was so "hopping mad". He often talks of queue jumping in Barclays, the bin men leaving trails of rubbish, strangers on walks having the audacity of not saying "Good morning" as they pass. Admittedly, country annoyances seem slightly less offensive than city ones but I think I am just my Fathers daughter. I just hope I don't become one of those angry old women who have "age turrets" because I'm nearly there at the ripe old age of 41!!

Oh and if you do go to the Tate to see the Ofili and are prone to 'annoyed behaviour of others, put on some headphones and remember to look up when you leave the museum... there is a Union Black flying high!