Poo

I know everyone sometimes gets caught short, but there is getting caught short and peeing down an alleyway, and then there is getting caught short and doing it on a public footpath on a busy thoroughfare!

Last week, I was walking to the tube from my house and I spotted, about 20 yards away, a gigantic poo. I said aloud "Oh for fucks sake", who lets their dog poo in the middle of the pavement and not clear it up? It was huge, 2 gigantic logs! As I got closer, it was obvious this was no dog poo, this was a giant human poo. I deduced it wasn't animal because I know of no dog, even a Great Dane that can lay something that large. I'm not near a zoo and have not read of any escaped exotic animals, so I gaped in horror at what I was looking at. I let out a piercing squeal of disgust and carried on walking, thinking of the poor street cleaners that were going to have to clean up this deposit.

The next morning, it was still there. I had to look because I was convinced it would be gone but even the street cleaners must have lines they don't cross. Oh for God's sake! I swore loudly and just hoped for a heavy rainfall. All will be well I assured myself.

The following day, I promised myself that I wouldn't look but as I rounded the corner, eyes to the sky, muttering "Don't look, don't look" I couldn't help it. Everyone knows, once you know something is there and just 'horror film' disgusting, you can't help but look. I caught it out of the corner of my eye and there it was, giant and proud: "Hello" it was saying "Yes, I'm still here and by the looks of things I'm going to still be here tomorrow, and probably all year, no one can touch me, I'm INVINCIBLE!!!" I swore loudly.

Yesterday, I walked passed again, trying to ignore it but this time my peripheral vision caught a glimpse of pink. Someone had stuck a cocktail umbrella in it! I burst out laughing and thought "Soooo, I am not alone, this poo has been noted and someone else is keeping track of the turd and is giving it some character." What next?

This morning I approached giant log with interest. Absolutely brilliant... secret turd dresser had given it a sweatband. Yes folks, there it was with a neon green, toweling wrist band around it. Whoever was doing this was brave, number one. I'm not sure how many people would get that close to a foreign object, let alone a strangers toilet starbar, yet this anonymous stylist had bent down and given the cocktail drinking turd, some headgear. I was impressed. It had now become the talking point at work too.... should I accessorise the turd?? Should this become a community project?? I'm not there yet but I'm worried this poo is invading my thoughts too often. It's London fashion week next week, should I do it justice and create a spectacular outfit?? British designer, of course!