Having recently returned from a trip to Morocco, and having witnessed all the loved up couples on my travels, I realised I had been single for 2 years, therefore, I've had no sex for 2 years! It's tragic!
So to resolve this dilemma, quickly and efficiently, I decided to offer my booty to an old flame. The old flame is one I have written about on here before and swore I would never see again. I actually told him I never wanted to see him again because of his constant lying and bullshit about separating from his wife, which is transpired, he hadn't.
The reason I picked him though is that I know where he's been and I know he's discreet, rich and desperate! The last time I saw him he told me that although he hadn't left his wife quite yet, he spent every weekend away with friends, and when he was at home, they slept in separate bedrooms. And, he added, they hadn't had sex in over 8 years. I'm not completely stupid and took it all with a pinch of salt, but judging on his performance, I would say it had been a very very long time since he'd had sex. You can sort of tell these things! So a perfect match for some harmless, one off sex, I thought.
I tested the waters with a short and sweet email. When I got an excited reply about how he thought he would never hear from me again and how he'd missed me and how he'd like to take me out for the day, to the coast or a long lunch, I dropped the bomb. "Actually," I wrote, "I'm going to be very honest with you but as we have never had a normal relationship and our romantic day and weekends away have always been a disaster, I was thinking that maybe we could just meet at a lovely hotel for the night and have some hot, dirty sex?". There it was.
Nanoseconds later he replied, "Oh my god, I wasn't expecting that and I've just fallen off my chair. But yes, oh yes please, I would love to meet and have dirty sex with you." Well, what red blooded man would turn down free uncomplicated sex?
We then agreed on a date and it was all going to plan... UNTIL I suggested a few places in town that are beautiful and quite luxurious for our little tryst. Whenever we have been anywhere in the past, he has chosen lovely, tasteful places so I thought that would still be the case, especially for what we had in mind. He came back with a reply that was a bit... well, yuck!.
He wrote:
“Fuck me, for a girl who doesn't want romance, St. Pancras is described as londons most romantic hotel, plus a fab breakfast, which we won't have, obviously!!! I'm slightly, errr, impecunious at the moment. So let's get down at the nearby Euston Ibis - you book it and check in (and out) and I'll pay you. Drinks on me as well!! I'll come up to the room and meet you there. I'll send you the link for the hotel. I've stayed there a couple of times after dinners and it's very comfortable if functional. I'm getting very excited by this cos I never thought I'd hear from you again.”
Yuck, yuck!! There are so many awful things to pick out in this email, I was gobsmacked.
1. Implying it will be a quick fuck so no need for breakfast.
2. Typing the words "let's get down.." Eughhh!
3. The Euston Ibis the worst kind of salesman's motel. Ten steps down from a Holiday Inn. Characterless, cheap and ugly. Him saying "comfortable and functional" is so clinical. Yuck!
4. "You book, check in and I'll pay you". Um, I think you're confusing me with a prostitute?
5. "Drinks on me as well!!" Oh, how generous! I wouldn't be seen dead in the Ibis bar!
5. "I'll come up to the room and meet you there". Ok, really starting to make me feel like a cheap whore.
In fact, even typing it out has got me sooooo angry again. I know emails can be misread and the tone of voice lost, but really. It's all too sleazy!!
I wrote back a terse paragraph: "I think we have our wires crossed. The Ibis is dreadful and the opposite of what I had in mind Mac. When I suggested a sexy evening with you, I didn't mean it had to be some tarts hotel for a quickie, and then "pay me" afterwards!! If you want that sort of thing, be my guest… go to the Ibis. You will be able to find an amenable girl outside Kings Cross station and be able to pay by the hour!!"
Unsurprisingly, I haven't heard back, so it just might be a little longer until I have sex again!!!
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