On reflection...

My last post on here was almost a year ago. Why?

It’s hard to tell the truth all the time. 

I write another blog (WhatISaw.WhatIHeard) which regales the reader with tales of my life, but it’s the fun stuff, the witty anecdotes, the amusing observations. On here, I write openly about my hurt, my open wounds. It’s more like a journal and therefore, is more painful to write. I suppose my blogs are the two sides to my personality. The one I want people to see, and the one I don’t. This one I hide from my friends and family. It is anonymous. It is secret.

We are all very good at hiding things in everyday life, I know I am. I am so often told how jolly I am, how confident I am, how unafraid I am. That I make the most out of life and grab each day with gusto. Yes, that’s the Jules I want people to see, and I’ve become very good at it. But that is my external self, the public self, the self-preservation person, the one that doesn’t get hurt, the one that doesn’t need anyone or anything, the one that has no vulnerability. So am I leading a double life? Of course I am. 

No one can spend the day thinking of all the stuff in their life that they don’t like, the things that get them down, what makes us cry. We would all be leaping off tall buildings if that were the case. But we all get moments when we can wallow in the sadness, when we don’t want to get out of bed and would prefer to cry and hide under the covers for a while. And you know what, the older I get, the more readily I can admit to that. I’m not alone either it seems. My friends are more honest about themselves, about their hopes and disappointments. I get long emails from old school and college friends, pouring their hearts out about their sadness and despair. I write back with my own. I share more. I know that by getting things out, it doesn’t seem as lonely a place as I originally thought. 

Even today I have been writing back and forth to a friend who I see at work almost on a daily basis. I happen to be off sick with a heinous chest infection but I know I will see her in a few days. So why write endless emails to each other? Because we really aren’t that brave in person. We can’t seem to get it out in speech and not be embarrassed by our purging. Writing is so much easier isn’t it? We are both in our mid-forties. We are both single. We are both childless. My decision to not have children was taken out of my hands when I was told at 39 that I was going through the menopause. Until that age, I had not met the right man and therefore, hadn’t been in a situation where I wanted to have a child. My time ran out. My friend is in the same situation but without the menopause bit. She has just never met the right person either. She did not want to have children with a man who she didn’t see as part of her future. It’s an incredibly responsible approach really and very unselfish but now she is alone because of that decision. It seems very unfair. We also have bonded over our loneliness or rather our hidden loneliness. I have exposed to her my vulnerable side, I have told her how lonely I feel, with no shame or embarrassment because I know she experiences the same thing. But on the outside, aren’t the two of us the most fun-loving, strong, independent women we know? Of course we are, it’s self preservation. If we let our guard down, we would be two pathetic bawling rags on the floor!!! And we can’t have that can we? Certainly neither of us were brought up to be so ‘open’ about our feelings. Gosh, sometimes our parents make it very hard for us don’t they??

So, as I lay here in bed for the third consecutive day, on both steroids and antibiotics for my crappy chest and asthma, I began feeling even more sorry for myself. Illness is a great time to feel well and truly miserable. Your body hurts, your brain hurts and every single thing in your life seems shit. And for me, living alone, with no boyfriend, husband or kids, there is also no one to bring you a mug of soup, or some paracetamol. You are alone with your illness and there is nothing crappier than that. I think that’s where it started this morning, the emails with my friend. I kept thinking – as well as dying and no one finding me for days – that if I was ill in 10 years or 20 years, would I still be alone in my flat with no one to worry about me, no one to take care of me. And I cried. I cried for my older self for a good 5 minutes, until it sent me into a wheezing and coughing frenzy and then I stopped. Self pity is rather revolting but a good cry every now and then is wonderful because you can then shout at yourself afterwards for being so stupid. 

I had an email from the friend at work, just as I had finished crying. All she wrote was, “I feel gloomy today. Sick of flogging it alone”. And it went from there. As a detail, she had just started dating a man with children, going through a divorce. After 3 weeks, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that she didn’t seem to need anyone in her life anyway. He was mean to her, his words hurt her but they also made her realise that she comes across that way, to men. She is afraid to get hurt by seeming to need or want anything. So she makes out her life is perfect. It’s a lie of course.

I wrote back… (and I know she won’t mind me putting it on here because if it makes one single person feel a little better and not so alone, then that’s a good thing)

Darling, 
Oh me too... That's what has upset me so much this week. Just that vicious circle of going round and round with nothing changing. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, just round and round with nothing to show for it. Always doing it on my own, no support, no one to help, no one to look after me. Then I fast forward 20 years and wonder what will life be like then? I don't want to be alone anymore either. I know how you feel darling. It's just shit.
I think that's the hardest part of not having children. We see no change in our lives. With children your life changes daily as they grow. Your life constantly looks different whereas I feel my life hasn't looked different for years. Yes I fill it with friends and fun things and traveling but from the outside there is nothing different.
God I don't mean to depress you any more darling. Sorry.
I think we both need to find men that already have children. XX wasn't the right one for you but I think we are both incredibly nurturing and need someone to look after. With someone that has children we may get the chance to experience that, or at least grandchildren in 20 years, at least.
I'm not in a good place to start dating again but I think I'm now realistic with what I want. And that is family. My own family and I are soooo close and so it's incredibly important to me. I have known since I was 39 I couldn't have children and so it was always a case of... Well how else can you have a family then?
I know we are so similar in how we think. We are cheerful and upbeat on the outside, but inside we are crying for someone. And yes, we get down and blue. I know I am very prone to illness... I knew that from the moment my thyroid was removed, one of the side effects unfortunately. Low immune system. So I get ill a lot. And when I get ill I get very blue. I overthink everything and my life feels so empty. But then I get emails from friends and I realise I have such am incredible support network and that you guys keep me going.
I know we are fairly new friends but I really value your friendship honey. I'm always here for you too. Huge hug.
X x x

J, Every single thing you've mentioned describes exactly how I feel. On the outside I stand strong and prob come across as a little tough & hard to the opposite sex.
I'm defo tough but I have an enormous heart with so much love to give - this feeling can be suffocating.
Although cock features isn't for me I found myself saying "I love my life, I feel blessed for what I have ( I do) but I won't tolerate or compromise unless it feels right", which is true - I painted my life to appear fantastic as I was protecting myself.  I do this a lot.
x

K, I do think we do sometimes shoot ourselves in the foot for not being vulnerable though. My ex said to me.. sometimes you appear as if you need no one. You are so independent and self assured, it sometimes feels as if there isn't room in your life for someone else. And your confidence is a little intimidating, as if I will never be good enough.
Eek.. so our strength is actually sometimes quite off-putting!
Men do like a bit of vulnerability. They like to be wanted and needed. The damsel if you like… And I know I have to change that about me sometimes. The big brave Jules is my exterior protection shell. No one can hurt me if I don't trust or open my heart to anyone. I know that. I was ready when I met my ex, to open myself to him, to show what I really wanted. I trusted him with my honesty and vulnerable side… and then it went wrong. He chose his dead wife over me… he was being honest with himself. And of course I was devastated. But I don't regret opening up to him. I don't regret having my heart broken. I felt a sense of euphoria and freedom for not pretending all was ok and I could combat everything.
It's taken me a while to think I can do it again though. But I do learn from my mistakes. I need to knock down my armour a little and not appear too bloody Boudicea or Boodica, or however you are supposed to pronounce her name these days.
Yes we are strong women, but are lives are far from perfect and its not a sign of weakness to admit that. Even if its just between us.. haha.
Love you sweetie.

J, I think we both have to choose more wisely, sometimes it's not always that straight forward as men play games. Better to have loved than not so I'll try and open myself up more. I will  learn from this.
Great we can chat like this x

The exchange went on for the next hour (not sure what work she is doing!) but it was pretty much along the same vein. The email exchange won’t solve anything, it won’t change either of our circumstances but it is so wonderful being able to tell someone, and in my friends’ words, and how she signed off her last email…

“… it is just comforting to know you feel the same.”

So it is. So it is.