Am I at my angry time of the month? I don't think I am which makes me suspicious because I'm getting very cross about things.
1. My very sick friend who has terminal cancer is refusing to eat. She says "what's the point, I'm dying anyway!" Um, hello, the point is if you are going to commit fucking suicide, death by starvation is not the best way... it is slow and agonising, in fact probably worse than dying of cancer! She gave in last night and had a yogurt, whoopeee doo!
2. My mortgage broker left a message on my phone saying "Hello mate (I'm not his bloody mate, I'm his bloomin client.. don't get pally with me, it insinuates a guilty conscience!), sorry I haven't been in touch for a few days. There's nothing to report really. Just be patient and I'll call you at the end of this week with some news, hopefully. Well, I can't promise anything but fingers crossed". Thanks for the vote of confidence and utter professionalism!!!
3. I can't think about having a baby. Every time I do, I get an ear ache in my right ear (prelude to panic attacks) and can't sleep. Am I turning into a man where multitasking is impossible because I seem to be able to only think about one thing at a time these days. I don't want to be a man.. bits of it aren't attractive!!
4. I went back to my therapist, the one who costs £50 a session and was deeply unimpressed. It was if I had to re-cap not only who I was and why I had originally gone to see her, but also what I'd been doing for the last 9 months!! I actually got bored talking about myself after about half an hour (very unusual) and just went quiet. We sat at stalemate for a few minutes and then she looked genuinely worried. Usually if I shut up for a moment, there is only time for a few deep breaths before I start up again but this time I wanted her to show genuine interest and ask ME something! She desperately looked at her notes and sighed. "Well Juliet, you seem to be handling all this very well actually. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" I looked at her "Why do you think I'm having these panic attacks again?" I asked. She looked a little awkward and coughed. "Why do YOU think you're having these panic attacks again?" she asked. Check mate!!! So then I rambled on for another 15 minutes until she said we had about 5 minutes left and did I want to talk about anything else. "Well, my friends dying of cancer. That's a bit shit!" She looked horrified, stood up and hugged me.. she's never done that before. She opened her diary to arrange another appointment and I made some excuse that I didn't have my diary on me and I would call her instead. I think she knew. I had mentioned I had seen another therapist and she had been really helpful. We shall see. I'm going to give the Harley Street one another go and see what happens.
Until then I will shout at bus drivers, mini cab drivers, young hoodies littering and barking dogs. I will tut at anyone walking in my path and just stay genuinely a bit angry at life. I think it's healthy, a bit of rage now and again. Surely its better than drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir a night. Actually come to think of it....
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Help
Well I have had to cry for help... in the form of my very very expensive therapist. I haven't seen her in over 8 months due to lack of freelance work and her £50 an hour price tag but needs must,. And although writing helps enormously, it just doesn't take the place of a human. A human that doesn't judge, doesn't advise, doesn't roll her eyes or sigh loudly. She just sits and gently nudges things out. And come out they do. I used to get frustrated with her that she didn't ask me more questions about what I was saying but by her staying a little quiet, I always ended up asking and answering the questions myself.
I originally saw her because I started having panic attacks around the time I turned 40 (hmmm funny that)! I would have these dreadful anxiety attacks anywhere I wasn't fully in control,. Mostly on the tube (well that gives most people cause for panic) or in enclosed spaces. Places where I couldn't leave without utterly humiliating myself. Places I had no control. I had to start sitting in aisle seats in cinemas and theatres just in case one suddenly came on, and I would have to leave quietly and try and breathe.
I wrote down over 2 dozen reasons why these panic attacks might have started, from the obvious (alone, 40 and single with no children) to the ridiculous (delayed stress 4 years after the 7/7 bombings). My therapist and I talked through them all and came to no particular conclusions. I even saw her husband for a hypnotherapy session... resulting in abnormally high references to wanting a golden retriever!! I do want a dog but thats hardly the cause of panic attacks is it?? So, we came up with nothing really, nothing concrete BUT just talking about it and being open about what was happening and talking to friends about the fact I was having these attacks, all helped. I knew I wasn't alone for a start. Crikey, there are a lot of us that have them! Gradually the panic attacks subsided, more slowly than they arrived, but they went nonetheless.
Now they're back. I had one or two last week and now they're happening every day again. This morning, on the tube I almost threw up I felt so faint and out of breath. I held my hat in my lap just in case I needed an improvised sick bag (nice!) I know that I have an awful amount of shit going on right now, that I tend to internalise and I put on a brave face a lot but its not healthy is it? So I have asked for help.
I originally saw her because I started having panic attacks around the time I turned 40 (hmmm funny that)! I would have these dreadful anxiety attacks anywhere I wasn't fully in control,. Mostly on the tube (well that gives most people cause for panic) or in enclosed spaces. Places where I couldn't leave without utterly humiliating myself. Places I had no control. I had to start sitting in aisle seats in cinemas and theatres just in case one suddenly came on, and I would have to leave quietly and try and breathe.
I wrote down over 2 dozen reasons why these panic attacks might have started, from the obvious (alone, 40 and single with no children) to the ridiculous (delayed stress 4 years after the 7/7 bombings). My therapist and I talked through them all and came to no particular conclusions. I even saw her husband for a hypnotherapy session... resulting in abnormally high references to wanting a golden retriever!! I do want a dog but thats hardly the cause of panic attacks is it?? So, we came up with nothing really, nothing concrete BUT just talking about it and being open about what was happening and talking to friends about the fact I was having these attacks, all helped. I knew I wasn't alone for a start. Crikey, there are a lot of us that have them! Gradually the panic attacks subsided, more slowly than they arrived, but they went nonetheless.
Now they're back. I had one or two last week and now they're happening every day again. This morning, on the tube I almost threw up I felt so faint and out of breath. I held my hat in my lap just in case I needed an improvised sick bag (nice!) I know that I have an awful amount of shit going on right now, that I tend to internalise and I put on a brave face a lot but its not healthy is it? So I have asked for help.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Strangers
Its strange that a comment from a stranger can make your day. Thank you for those of you that have left sweet sentences of support and encouragement. At times it seems you understand me more than my friends and family... I guess thats why therapists work!!
And talking of therapists, I have a session with the London Womens Clinic therapist on Thursday (given as a freebie by my consultant... the only freebie I think I'll get). The consultant sent me a letter yesterday with an attached copy of her assessment of my consultation. She describes me as a delightful 41 year old, intelligent and full of life. She then adds that she is concerned about how difficult I am finding the whole process of doing it as a singleton and recommends me seeing their counselor. She then offers a follow up session with her, free of charge (oh another freebie... blimey). She said I was an unusual case, even for the London Womens Clinic. Not many women it seems, choose to do it alone!
So, at least I don't have to pay for the next couple of visits... a silver lining?
And talking of therapists, I have a session with the London Womens Clinic therapist on Thursday (given as a freebie by my consultant... the only freebie I think I'll get). The consultant sent me a letter yesterday with an attached copy of her assessment of my consultation. She describes me as a delightful 41 year old, intelligent and full of life. She then adds that she is concerned about how difficult I am finding the whole process of doing it as a singleton and recommends me seeing their counselor. She then offers a follow up session with her, free of charge (oh another freebie... blimey). She said I was an unusual case, even for the London Womens Clinic. Not many women it seems, choose to do it alone!
So, at least I don't have to pay for the next couple of visits... a silver lining?
Monday, 19 October 2009
Days that feel poo!
I'm having one of those Mondays where I wish I wasn't really here. I don't want to talk to anyone, do any work or even move. My body doesn't feel normal, it feels jet-lagged somehow. I hate the outfit I'm wearing and my hair - even though washed and blowdried - looks lifeless and lank. I have just looked at my hotmail and all of the messages are from friends that are so happy. One is pregnant again, one has a new home in the country, one has a new kitten and one has a new boyfriend. How to make me feel even shittier... thanks.
I remember writing in my diary at age 15, that I wish the world would open up and swallow me and spit me out somewhere where no one knew me and I could start again. I still feel that at 41. I wish I could disappear and not have to answer awkward questions or pretend I'm ok. I wish I didn't have to lie a dozen times a day just so I don't upset anyone with how utterly miserable I'm feeling. I know when the dark feelings start because I don't answer the phone, I don't text and I don't email. I don't go out and see friends. I go home and cry. It'll last a few days, maybe until Friday at worst, then I'll brighten up and feel more myself.
When I used to see my therapist, when I had money... I would sit in her gorgeous sitting room and cry for the whole hour, unable to get even a sentence out about why I felt so sad. Its just overwhelming, that's all. And all the rubbish usually happens at once, not one shit thing at a time.
My parents and I always chat on a Sunday morning at 11:15 am. Thats our time. I have stopped telling them the truth about stuff. I can't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. So I lie. Things are fine, yup, works great, yup I've been out to parties and dinners. Yup life is just grand. Their own life right now is a bit shit so there's no point making them even more miserable with the reality of mine. My sister doesn't return phone calls and has decided she doesn't want to spend Christmas with the family. Mum and Dad feel rejected by it. So I have to go... that's going to be a bundle of laughs. Just the 3 of us. Another Christmas with no good news.
I apologise if this makes you all a bit sad. I can't afford my therapist any longer so this is the only way I can get it out.
I remember writing in my diary at age 15, that I wish the world would open up and swallow me and spit me out somewhere where no one knew me and I could start again. I still feel that at 41. I wish I could disappear and not have to answer awkward questions or pretend I'm ok. I wish I didn't have to lie a dozen times a day just so I don't upset anyone with how utterly miserable I'm feeling. I know when the dark feelings start because I don't answer the phone, I don't text and I don't email. I don't go out and see friends. I go home and cry. It'll last a few days, maybe until Friday at worst, then I'll brighten up and feel more myself.
When I used to see my therapist, when I had money... I would sit in her gorgeous sitting room and cry for the whole hour, unable to get even a sentence out about why I felt so sad. Its just overwhelming, that's all. And all the rubbish usually happens at once, not one shit thing at a time.
My parents and I always chat on a Sunday morning at 11:15 am. Thats our time. I have stopped telling them the truth about stuff. I can't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. So I lie. Things are fine, yup, works great, yup I've been out to parties and dinners. Yup life is just grand. Their own life right now is a bit shit so there's no point making them even more miserable with the reality of mine. My sister doesn't return phone calls and has decided she doesn't want to spend Christmas with the family. Mum and Dad feel rejected by it. So I have to go... that's going to be a bundle of laughs. Just the 3 of us. Another Christmas with no good news.
I apologise if this makes you all a bit sad. I can't afford my therapist any longer so this is the only way I can get it out.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
After all this time it might be a no!
Just when I thought finally everything was turning a corner for me and I get the good news about my body being fertile and so on, my mortgage adviser tells me its now unlikely I'll get the equity released from my mortgage. Thats the money I need for treatment at Harley Street, which means no baby. I'm devastated.
Monday, 12 October 2009
So... physically I can
I've got the eggs, I've got the hormones, I'm healthy and my body is in good working order. So... physically I can have a baby. Weeeeheeeeee!!
That's the result from Friday, as I sat in one of the offices at the London Womens Clinic on Harley Street. Everything looked good, especially for a 41 year old. Now I just had to try.
My doctor was so lovely and explained all my results from the 3 hours of tests I had just gone through. She explained that if I was in a relationship trying for a baby, I would succeed most probably. The fact is, I've only got one chance at this and it all boils down to money. MONEY!!! It seems ridiculous that my whole baby future lies in the fact that I only have a couple of grand to give it a go. IUI (having a baby with insemination) cost about £2,000. Thats one go... they wait til the right time of the month and then they flood (yuck) your womb with sperm and then cross their fingers. Its a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant. Terrible odds. But even though I'm physically in good shape and I've got everything in the right place, my age is against me. My eggs are still old and my fertility is not a 30 year olds so that's why the chances aren't so good.
She recommended that for my best chances I should try straight for IVF (having your eggs stimulated, then removed and mixed with the sperm in a petri dish. Wait for them to get fertislised and then put a couple back in the womb to develop!!). IVF not only costs about £5,000 a pop but the risk is multiple births. If I'm doing this on my own then how on earth could I handle twins?? I couldn't so therefore I can't risk having IVF. However, I could do it if I had £50,00 spare which is why it all comes down to money again. If I knew I could get some sort of help with the twins, a part time nanny or something and wouldnt have to worry about working all the time, then I would do the IVF... do you see??
But to be honest... whats really holding me back is still the morality of it, the emotions and feelings, not the money or process!!!
I went for a long walk on my own yesterday and think I'm 85% there in deciding to go for it. The only thing that holds me back is the question "Am I doing this totally selfishly?" Knowingly, raising a child alone when family for me is so important. Doing it knowing one day I'm going to have to explain there is no daddy at all. Will he/she feel like some sort of scientific experiment. No father at all... at least with a fling, you may not KNOW the father but you've spent at least half an hour with him (hopefully half an hour!!!!) so you have a vague idea what he looks like. With a sperm donor, what if you absolutely hate the way your child looks... he may have murderous eyes, weird jutting forehead, just scary. You will never know where that part of the baby came from... I will be wondering just as much.. who is he?? Can I live with all that?? Every day looking into a part strangers eyes?
Also I had the most wonderful childhood, friends and family constantly around me. I have always wanted the same which is why I've waited so long. I was always so convinced that it would work out for me, boyfriend, husband children... the way it should be.
Now I am going against every fibre in my body about how you should bring up a child. So is it fair on the child? I can't give them what I had. Apart from an abundance of love, they won't be able to travel the world, have mummy stay at home, supported by Daddy. Have a sister to play with, live in a big house in the country with rambling hills and woods to play in. Have wonderful grandparents. I say this because by the time my baby would be 5 or 6 years old, my Mum and Dad will be in their mid 70's. They wont be able to look after or run around after my child like mine did. They are also not able to be the very involved babysitters as they were with my sisters kids. Mum spent every week looking after my nephews ten years ago but I can't ask her to do that now. Physically she's just not well enough and Dad would not want to. His tolerance of noise and children is at an all time low and I don't want to burden them with my selfish act or force them to care for a baby they advised me against.
I desperately need support though, if I'm to do it. Not sure where that will come from. I will be broke and lonely too... can I cope??
My head spins all the time with these decisions. BUT to be honest I only have a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant anyway so its a hell of a piece of magic and good luck if I do. I just wish someone would whisper in my ear… it's ok Jules, you will be looked after, you will be a fabulous Mother, go with your gut.
That's the result from Friday, as I sat in one of the offices at the London Womens Clinic on Harley Street. Everything looked good, especially for a 41 year old. Now I just had to try.
My doctor was so lovely and explained all my results from the 3 hours of tests I had just gone through. She explained that if I was in a relationship trying for a baby, I would succeed most probably. The fact is, I've only got one chance at this and it all boils down to money. MONEY!!! It seems ridiculous that my whole baby future lies in the fact that I only have a couple of grand to give it a go. IUI (having a baby with insemination) cost about £2,000. Thats one go... they wait til the right time of the month and then they flood (yuck) your womb with sperm and then cross their fingers. Its a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant. Terrible odds. But even though I'm physically in good shape and I've got everything in the right place, my age is against me. My eggs are still old and my fertility is not a 30 year olds so that's why the chances aren't so good.
She recommended that for my best chances I should try straight for IVF (having your eggs stimulated, then removed and mixed with the sperm in a petri dish. Wait for them to get fertislised and then put a couple back in the womb to develop!!). IVF not only costs about £5,000 a pop but the risk is multiple births. If I'm doing this on my own then how on earth could I handle twins?? I couldn't so therefore I can't risk having IVF. However, I could do it if I had £50,00 spare which is why it all comes down to money again. If I knew I could get some sort of help with the twins, a part time nanny or something and wouldnt have to worry about working all the time, then I would do the IVF... do you see??
But to be honest... whats really holding me back is still the morality of it, the emotions and feelings, not the money or process!!!
I went for a long walk on my own yesterday and think I'm 85% there in deciding to go for it. The only thing that holds me back is the question "Am I doing this totally selfishly?" Knowingly, raising a child alone when family for me is so important. Doing it knowing one day I'm going to have to explain there is no daddy at all. Will he/she feel like some sort of scientific experiment. No father at all... at least with a fling, you may not KNOW the father but you've spent at least half an hour with him (hopefully half an hour!!!!) so you have a vague idea what he looks like. With a sperm donor, what if you absolutely hate the way your child looks... he may have murderous eyes, weird jutting forehead, just scary. You will never know where that part of the baby came from... I will be wondering just as much.. who is he?? Can I live with all that?? Every day looking into a part strangers eyes?
Also I had the most wonderful childhood, friends and family constantly around me. I have always wanted the same which is why I've waited so long. I was always so convinced that it would work out for me, boyfriend, husband children... the way it should be.
Now I am going against every fibre in my body about how you should bring up a child. So is it fair on the child? I can't give them what I had. Apart from an abundance of love, they won't be able to travel the world, have mummy stay at home, supported by Daddy. Have a sister to play with, live in a big house in the country with rambling hills and woods to play in. Have wonderful grandparents. I say this because by the time my baby would be 5 or 6 years old, my Mum and Dad will be in their mid 70's. They wont be able to look after or run around after my child like mine did. They are also not able to be the very involved babysitters as they were with my sisters kids. Mum spent every week looking after my nephews ten years ago but I can't ask her to do that now. Physically she's just not well enough and Dad would not want to. His tolerance of noise and children is at an all time low and I don't want to burden them with my selfish act or force them to care for a baby they advised me against.
I desperately need support though, if I'm to do it. Not sure where that will come from. I will be broke and lonely too... can I cope??
My head spins all the time with these decisions. BUT to be honest I only have a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant anyway so its a hell of a piece of magic and good luck if I do. I just wish someone would whisper in my ear… it's ok Jules, you will be looked after, you will be a fabulous Mother, go with your gut.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
In limbo
I can't seem to get on with anything. I'm in total limbo with the baby thing, the flat thing, the money thing.
I'm STILL waiting to hear about my bloody mortgage.. apparently it's 80% there and sorted but now I have to have a surveyor round to value my flat. They are utter utter bastards! So once again, clean the flat from top to bottom, fresh baked bread smells and fresh flowers on display. Every time an estate agent comes round I fall in love with my flat all over again because I make it look so damn nice! Why it can't look this good ALL the time? In half an hours time, there will be papers all over, a pile of washing, a sink full of plates and the post scattered across my wooden floor in the hallway. And it's only me, on my own!!! How can one tidy girl create such havoc?
The baby thing is the real mind fuck right now though. My friend hit it on the head yesterday by saying that for the past year, I was so convinced that I couldn't physically have children, that I wanted it more than ever. Now I have got half my hormone tests back and they are all very good, so I CAN (on paper) have a baby but there are chinks in the whole plan. One morning I wake up 100% that I want a baby, the next morning I wake up 100% that I just can't do it.
I have asked about 10 friends over the last 2 weeks (friends that have children), that if they were to step into my shoes right now, would they have a baby? About 8 out of ten said they wouldn't have a baby if they were me. This is taking on board I don't have a partner, my family are 2 hours away, I am a freelance designer earning only just enough, I am grumpy when I've had no sleep and get ill quite a bit (ok thats the negative!)
Two of these friends are my closest friends. I was so gutted to hear them say it but they were being honest. They both said that even with the support of a boyfriend/husband, having a baby was sooo hard. To do it alone, they said, would be too difficult.
Then one other friend, out of the blue, the only friend I know thats done it alone, said, no matter how hard it all is, you DO cope, you DO find support, you DO find the money. She said to me "Jules, you've got to think about it like this... if you accidentally got pregnant tomorrow, you did the test etc., would you have an abortion?" Oh my god, of course not. "Well then, you would cope wouldn't you. You would have the baby even thought the circumstances weren't perfect and you would love that baby just as much as if you'd spent years planning it."
She's right. When I found out in January that I was pregnant and I did 3 pregnancy tests to make sure (it disappeared 3 weeks later) ... I couldn't stop smiling. I was even standing there in front of the mirror, sticking my stomach out to see what I'd look like (didn't have to try too hard, bit of a belly anyway!!) I rashly joined a baby forum who still send me emails (it was hard when they said a month ago "congratulations on your new baby"). I would have had a baby right now... and I would be struggling but I would be so in love with it that nothing would matter. I know that.
Still, there is a nagging feeling that morally I am not doing it right. It has been hammered into me from such a young age, the traditional lifestyle, the way things should be... things happen for a reason. I've said this my whole life too. Karma, kismet etc. I totally 100% believe in it all. I have had my palm read about 3 times in 20 years and every time, the palm reader said she couldn't see children in my life. I mean, that's really really a harsh thing to say to someone. BUT, here's the thing. By her saying that to me.. did I have some self fulfilling prophecy? The more I was told it couldn't happen, have I made it NOT happen?? Do you see what I mean? If someone says you can't, you can't, you can't, over and over, you eventually believe them.
There's always the rebel in me though, that says fuck you, I CAN do it, no one says I can't do something. This happened when I was 16.. I was told I was incredibly bright in all the sciences and that I should do A Levels etc. in those subjects. I wanted to do art though. Art and music and drama. My O' level grades were pretty poor in art but I insisted that I would work so hard and be good at it. Well, there you have it, I wasn't the best artist, I'm still not.. but I know my strengths (a good eye for colour and layout) and my weaknesses. Instead of choosing to be a sculptor or go into textiles, I knew I would be better at graphic design, I knew I could make a living out it and I do.
So I HAVE rebelled throughout my life, I have gone against everyone's advice and I have come out the other side happier. I moved across the world twice following my dreams, I have traveled the world when financially I shouldn't have. I've gone out with inappropriate men and partied to excess when I knew it would make me feel shit for weeks. I have done a lot of things I shouldn't have, for all sorts of different reasons, but do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.
12 years ago, at a Boxing Day party with my family, I went around the room of friends and family, old and young, and asked them if they regretted not doing something in their lives. If, on their death bed, would they say "I've had a good life but I wish I'd had the courage to do... (and fill in the blank)". I would say about half of them looked a little sad or simply shrugged and sighed. Half that group of people had dreams and wishes that they'd never gone for. Sometimes, not even their partners knew about these dreams and were shocked at certain revelations. There were rock stars, dancers and doctors in that room and for one reason or another they were advised against doing it. How sad, I thought. The next week I flew back to London from a wonderful life in Boston US, to pursue my dream of acting. Safe to say, I am not a Hollywood star but I gave it a good go and now I am happy to say, well at least I tried. I still do some amateur stuff on stage and I'm happy with that.
Based on that party and people's responses, I decided if I wanted to do something badly enough, I would make it happen. I would never want to be on my death bed and say "I wish I'd had a child" God, that's just sent shivers down my spine. I don't want to live my life without a child. WOW, its amazing what happens when you write things down.
So, tomorrow I have the pelvic ultrasound. I can't really afford to do it (it's £150) but I need to know from them, if they think I can have a baby. As I said before, there is a fibroid but I can't keep putting this appointment off. I need to know one way or the other don't I??
I'm STILL waiting to hear about my bloody mortgage.. apparently it's 80% there and sorted but now I have to have a surveyor round to value my flat. They are utter utter bastards! So once again, clean the flat from top to bottom, fresh baked bread smells and fresh flowers on display. Every time an estate agent comes round I fall in love with my flat all over again because I make it look so damn nice! Why it can't look this good ALL the time? In half an hours time, there will be papers all over, a pile of washing, a sink full of plates and the post scattered across my wooden floor in the hallway. And it's only me, on my own!!! How can one tidy girl create such havoc?
The baby thing is the real mind fuck right now though. My friend hit it on the head yesterday by saying that for the past year, I was so convinced that I couldn't physically have children, that I wanted it more than ever. Now I have got half my hormone tests back and they are all very good, so I CAN (on paper) have a baby but there are chinks in the whole plan. One morning I wake up 100% that I want a baby, the next morning I wake up 100% that I just can't do it.
I have asked about 10 friends over the last 2 weeks (friends that have children), that if they were to step into my shoes right now, would they have a baby? About 8 out of ten said they wouldn't have a baby if they were me. This is taking on board I don't have a partner, my family are 2 hours away, I am a freelance designer earning only just enough, I am grumpy when I've had no sleep and get ill quite a bit (ok thats the negative!)
Two of these friends are my closest friends. I was so gutted to hear them say it but they were being honest. They both said that even with the support of a boyfriend/husband, having a baby was sooo hard. To do it alone, they said, would be too difficult.
Then one other friend, out of the blue, the only friend I know thats done it alone, said, no matter how hard it all is, you DO cope, you DO find support, you DO find the money. She said to me "Jules, you've got to think about it like this... if you accidentally got pregnant tomorrow, you did the test etc., would you have an abortion?" Oh my god, of course not. "Well then, you would cope wouldn't you. You would have the baby even thought the circumstances weren't perfect and you would love that baby just as much as if you'd spent years planning it."
She's right. When I found out in January that I was pregnant and I did 3 pregnancy tests to make sure (it disappeared 3 weeks later) ... I couldn't stop smiling. I was even standing there in front of the mirror, sticking my stomach out to see what I'd look like (didn't have to try too hard, bit of a belly anyway!!) I rashly joined a baby forum who still send me emails (it was hard when they said a month ago "congratulations on your new baby"). I would have had a baby right now... and I would be struggling but I would be so in love with it that nothing would matter. I know that.
Still, there is a nagging feeling that morally I am not doing it right. It has been hammered into me from such a young age, the traditional lifestyle, the way things should be... things happen for a reason. I've said this my whole life too. Karma, kismet etc. I totally 100% believe in it all. I have had my palm read about 3 times in 20 years and every time, the palm reader said she couldn't see children in my life. I mean, that's really really a harsh thing to say to someone. BUT, here's the thing. By her saying that to me.. did I have some self fulfilling prophecy? The more I was told it couldn't happen, have I made it NOT happen?? Do you see what I mean? If someone says you can't, you can't, you can't, over and over, you eventually believe them.
There's always the rebel in me though, that says fuck you, I CAN do it, no one says I can't do something. This happened when I was 16.. I was told I was incredibly bright in all the sciences and that I should do A Levels etc. in those subjects. I wanted to do art though. Art and music and drama. My O' level grades were pretty poor in art but I insisted that I would work so hard and be good at it. Well, there you have it, I wasn't the best artist, I'm still not.. but I know my strengths (a good eye for colour and layout) and my weaknesses. Instead of choosing to be a sculptor or go into textiles, I knew I would be better at graphic design, I knew I could make a living out it and I do.
So I HAVE rebelled throughout my life, I have gone against everyone's advice and I have come out the other side happier. I moved across the world twice following my dreams, I have traveled the world when financially I shouldn't have. I've gone out with inappropriate men and partied to excess when I knew it would make me feel shit for weeks. I have done a lot of things I shouldn't have, for all sorts of different reasons, but do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.
12 years ago, at a Boxing Day party with my family, I went around the room of friends and family, old and young, and asked them if they regretted not doing something in their lives. If, on their death bed, would they say "I've had a good life but I wish I'd had the courage to do... (and fill in the blank)". I would say about half of them looked a little sad or simply shrugged and sighed. Half that group of people had dreams and wishes that they'd never gone for. Sometimes, not even their partners knew about these dreams and were shocked at certain revelations. There were rock stars, dancers and doctors in that room and for one reason or another they were advised against doing it. How sad, I thought. The next week I flew back to London from a wonderful life in Boston US, to pursue my dream of acting. Safe to say, I am not a Hollywood star but I gave it a good go and now I am happy to say, well at least I tried. I still do some amateur stuff on stage and I'm happy with that.
Based on that party and people's responses, I decided if I wanted to do something badly enough, I would make it happen. I would never want to be on my death bed and say "I wish I'd had a child" God, that's just sent shivers down my spine. I don't want to live my life without a child. WOW, its amazing what happens when you write things down.
So, tomorrow I have the pelvic ultrasound. I can't really afford to do it (it's £150) but I need to know from them, if they think I can have a baby. As I said before, there is a fibroid but I can't keep putting this appointment off. I need to know one way or the other don't I??
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