In limbo again

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I have gone from visiting my friend in the hospice every few days and seeing her family and friends and all being together, to suddenly... nothing. Everyone has gone home to grieve in their own way and I want to grieve too but I don't know how. No one I know has ever died apart from very elderly relatives and I was too young to really remember that. I keep asking my friends if they want to meet and talk and cry and drink and everyone replies “no thanks darling, we are just spending some time on our own”. So I guess I'll do the same. I can't go out with other friends because it just seems wrong to enjoy myself but I haven't cried yet and I'm afraid if I spend time on my own I might start crying and never stop. I'll cry for my friend and then I'll cry for every other thing that is going a bit shit and I don't want to do that. I also gave up my social smoking habit so I can't do that. I can't have a drink because that will immediately make me want to have a cigarette. Ughhhhhhh.

It's all gone quiet

It all went quiet today when my friend, with cancer, died. That's why I haven't been on here much of late... we were waiting and sitting and talking and thinking, and this morning another friend phoned me with the news. We were all holding our breath, not sure of when or how it would happen but it's finally stopped and she's gone. It was peaceful. And I found out, from her Mum and Dad, that her favourite poem was The Owl and the Pussycat. I hope she can float away to the unknown too.

Maybe its the wind

Its windy in London, very sunny, very windy. Leaves are blowing everywhere and it feels good. I love windy weather... it always makes me feel as if something is about to happen. Something new and exciting and believe me, I need some bloody excitement in my life.

Having spent the last 2 days completely on my own, save for a horrendous shopping expedition to the local supermarket at 5pm on Halloween Night, I feel change is upon me. I will be me making that change myself, as I realise I can't keep waiting for things to happen to me, I've got to help out a little. This weekend was a huge reminder of just how much my friends' lives have moved on whilst my life for the last 10 years has remained.. yawn... pretty much unchanged. I bumped into an old neighbour on Friday and before they could get a word out I said "nothing to report, jobs the same, still no boyfriend, haven't been on holiday this year and thanks, yes, I have lost weight!"

Holidays are hideous when you're single. Its a massive slap in the face when you notice that EVERYONE else around you has parties to go to, or organise. In the supermarket on Saturday it was like Armageddon. Hoards of families wearing terry-towelling, stockpiling family packs of chocolate and crisps as if their life depended on it. I saw a tussle between a red-faced Adidas topped man and a skinny Arsenal bedecked oaf! They were fighting over some overpriced, plastic "life-size" inflatable, scary butler. I know, the mind boggles. On the front of the box was a picture of said butler next to a terrified child. I would be more terrified of either of the men! It took me a whole ten minutes to get my pizza for one and bottle of red wine and then an hour to get through the checkout. Truly an experience I never want to repeat!

So I suppose after that, I should have been thrilled to have the flat to myself and not have screaming kids running around but by 9pm, when no trick or treaters had even knocked on my door, God I felt lonely! Then to top things off, the flat opposite threw a huge party. I actually thought of gate crashing. I put make-up on and did my hair and then bottled it at the last minute. What would I say.. "Hi, I'm your tragically unpopular 41 year old neighbour, can I come to your party?" No.. too too sad!

So I polished off a bottle and a half of wine, watched awful television, did the washing up and a couple of loads of washing, spied on my neighbours' party with the lights off and swore loudly at the dog barking down the road (probably terrified by noise of kids and fireworks. Um, excuse me, note to all those idiots, its not bloody bonfire night until November 5th so stop setting fireworks off every night until then!) I was in bed by 11:30 and woke up at 9am on Sunday feeling utterly shit. Yes, you still get hangovers when you drink alone!

So, in conclusion, I'm going to make some decisions.

1. I decided to take the latest offer from my mortgage adviser which isn't the amount of money I've asked for, in fact its only £6,000 compared to £20,000. However, my monthly mortgage payments will go from £750 to £350... oh my god!!!! So I can start saving.

2. The baby decision is still on hold. I have to admit, more and more mornings I wake up and think "I can't have a baby alone. I don't want to have a baby alone." Now I have to weigh up... if I don't do it alone, I risk never having children.

3. My friend with cancer has her finally got her parents over from New Zealand. Thank God. Now, however, she doesn't want to see or speak to any friends. She hasn't returned my calls or texts for 4 days and I'm so sad about that BUT I have to be unselfish about this. Its what she wants. If she doesn't want to talk to anyone then that's just fine, I have to deal with that. I will just be there when the phone does ring.

4. I want to spend more time with my family. Spending time with my ill friend has made me realise, life really is too short.