Bit of bad news

So, I have been preparing myself with the fact that I might have to do the baby thing alone... meaning NO father so to speak. I have been thinking ahead and wondering what on earth I will tell people about who the father is.

If I get the sperm from the UK then I will have only a number. So if and when I get pregnant, I can actually tell people, after the old 3 month scan etc. that "The father of my child is number 4283. He's white, 6' tall with blonde hair and blue eyes, he is a graduate and has no history of any life threatening diseases." Dah dahhhh! That is all I will know.

If, however I get my sperm from the European sperm bank, I will have a name, and judging by the website, most of the guys seem to be from northern Europe with names like Hanns and Mickel and Gram. I will also, however, have a baby photo so I can always download that and present it to everyone who asks with.. "The Father of my child is called Hanns and look how cute he is as a child" as I proffer said photo! Weird huh?

A few years ago, a friend of mine announced she was pregnant, at the age of 42 and when we all gasped and said that we had no idea she was even involved with a man, she said "I'm not. A friend helped me out." To this day, she has never divulged who got her pregnant. I now wonder, whether, just maybe she went down the donor route and was too embarrassed to say. Do I make up a story and give Hanns some kind of emotional background, in relation to me? Should I just tell people that I had some mad affair with a gorgeous man called Hanns but that he went back to Norway and I have no way of contacting him, so he will never know about the baby, but that's just fine, I will raise it alone. Or do I come clean with everyone and tell them "well, I am pregnant and I'm thrilled but I will never know the father of my child, not will my baby. It was donated sperm!"

Actually, the last bit is not strictly true because as I mentioned, a blog ago, the baby, once reaching 18, can actually find out who number 4283 is. If the sperm is from the UK, the new law allows the offspring (once they reach adult age) to log on to the National Sibling database and find, not only their donor father, but who else has been fathered by number 4283. Apparently, it is all a bit of a big love in... not only sperm donor babies finding their fathers, but finding their half siblings. The website is www.donorsiblingregistry.com and there are hundreds of messages on there, from children asking if anyone has their same donor father? Its quite strange but absolutely brilliant. If I was brought up knowing that I was born from a donor that may have also enabled 10 other women to have children, then I too would want to know if I had brothers and sisters. There are amazing stories of yearly, if not monthly reunions with all donor siblings getting together and hanging out!! Huge extended families!!

If I had European sperm however, (cheaper and donors supply more physical and historical information) they are not allowed to be contacted. They are anonymous. Maybe that's why there are thousands more donors.. They all get paid (expenses.. because apparently its illegal to PAY donors but their expenses can be met. So a little shifty shuffle each week for an hour might mean taxis, to and from the clinic, plus whatever their hourly working rate is... it means, essentially, donors get paid about £250 a go!) But the European donors are always anonymous, no one can ever find them. This was the case in the UK until 2007.. Gordon Brown decided donors should be able to be contacted in the same way as mothers giving their children up for adoption! So, you see why there is a decline in UK donors!!

BUT, neither I or my child might ever know who the father is... would I want to? Would it be too much to live with, never knowing exactly who the father is. At least, women who get pregnant by one night stands, know (maybe vaguely, if alcohol played a major part) what the father looked like. He might be some drunken loser from the local pub, a friend or someone that just wanted to help out.. at least you they have some visual memory to go by.

Anyway, I digress... the reason this blog is called Bit of Bad news is that it may now never happen. Its not set in stone, but I got an email from my mortgage adviser today who suddenly told me that my credit rating was so low it was doubtful I would be able to release ANY equity from my flat, let alone £20,000! I needed at least £20,000 to pay off my credit card, the tax man, my parents, my loan and my accountant. It adds up to £18,000 and then the remaining £2,000 was going towards the treatment at the Womens Clinic! My mortgage man told me (a month ago and before he knew that I'd been unemployed for 2 months and lapsed on my loan and mortgage) that I could get £25,000 released and still only pay £700 a month rent. Fabulous, I thought. I could pay off everything and then have £7,000 to have to try and have baby and save some too. However, today, after hearing about my woes, he got back to me saying I had such bad credit that it was unlikely I would get a good mortgage let alone release any equity. Mortgage companies are scared, they don't want to take on the risk!!

For the last 12 years, credit card companies have thrown offers at me... upping my credit limit.. here's £12,000 pounds more, spend spend spend. Black cards, platinum cards.. take us, use us, get more!! Now, after only 2 months of being a bit broke and trying to do my best.. calling everyone and explaining the down turn and lack of freelance design work and offering them as much money as I can afford, my credit rating has slipped to that of a DSS person, on the dole their whole adult life!! Its so unfair! I'm working again, good money, good amount of hours. I've explained I can now pay everything to the full amount. But it doesn't matter. I'm now scarred with that 2 months of unemployment! Thats all they see... not my 12 years of being the golden girl!

I now have to wait... I have to get my credit report and bank statements and invoices and my whole life, and give it to these people. I have to prove my flat has gone up in value from £148,000 (that I bought it for in 2003) to £210,000. I have to get evaluations from 3 different estate agents. Only then, will the mortgage comanies revue my case and see if they can give me a good offer. I have three estate agents coming round next Friday. We will see.

If... I cant release equity on my flat, it basically means no baby. I have no money to pay for treatment. So, does that mean, every time, in the next few months, I am fertile, I go out and try and get some random male to have sex with me, without a condom?? Give men a bit of credit here. There actually probably aren't a lot of males who will have unprotected sex on a one night stand!!! And why should they? And also, why would I want that? God.. they could be riddled with disease, I know nothing about them..no, no no!!!

I got a postcard from my mother last week. I thought she might say sorry for saying she didn't think I would have children, or say sorry for saying I should ask my doctor for a hysterectomy whilst I writhed in agony for 3 days... she did say sorry in her own way but it showed such little understanding of what I am going through. She made no reference to what we had talked about or what I told her. She's like a very stoic brick wall, traditional, strong and practical.

Over the years I have had 3 laparoscopy's, 2 colposcopy's, several internal ultrasounds, a couple of scrapes.. all to get to the bottom of my terrible, disabling period pains. They found a fibroid the size of a tennis ball on the inside wall of my uterus. They told me it would not affect me getting pregnant nor carrying a baby but it might be a monor cause of pain. BUT it wasn't worth removing! For the last 3 years, I have had to take at least 1 day off each month because my cramps are so intense, I cannot stand. For the last 6 months, it is now 2 days of pain. I lie in bed with a hot water bottle on my tummy and one on my back, pain killers (now a strong codeine thanks to my Doctor) every two hours and yet nothing eases the agony. I have canceled numerous parties, dinners, drinks, weekends because of this pain. I'm sure my friends just think I have a hangover or something. Yet, the one time I was sent to a specialist, a man revered for his gyneological skills, also known in St. Thomas's Hospital as "the baby doctor" (because he solves all womens problems and then they can get pregnant)!! At the end of my intense tests and last laparoscopy, he announced triumphantly, that "I think your period pains would be a thing of the past if you just got pregnant". I sat there, open mouthed, totally stunned and said "so, that it? After all these tests, the only cure is for me to get pregnant? I'm not sure if my records show that I am single.What do you propose Doctor?" He looked embarrassed. I shrugged and said "Heh, maybe you should start a dating agency attached to this department?"

No one seems to truly understand how many women are out there, beautiful, educated, lovely... yet they haven't found love or even, a man who they can have children with. For a highly educated and revered Doctor to say "why don't you just get pregnant" is not only insulting but totally unfeeling and ignorant. My mother knows all this, she has been through it all with me. She hasn't really offered opinion or sympathy, just support in being there, offering me pills and hot water bottles. In her postcard, she wrote:

"My darling, you can't imagine the anguish and helplessness that I feel on hearing you tell me all the pain and suffering you undergo every month - I just want to wave a magic wand. You seem to have gone through every channel with no satisfactory outcome and it is so difficult to keep a positive attitude for that and bearing a healthy child. You have so much to offer in life."

Isn't that last bit strange?? Bearing a healthy child... not sure what to think about that but I know her last sentence "you have so much to offer in life" reflects what she said to me before.. just get on with it, forget about having a baby and move on. Maybe I will. Who knows what will happen in the next month. If I get the money I'm going for it. If I don't... then, maybe I will go and volunteer abroad.. work for a charity... surround myself with people that really really need me. I think, deep deep down, I just want someone to love me, unconditionally. If that isn't my own child then maybe other people who need my love more.