I'm having one of those Mondays where I wish I wasn't really here. I don't want to talk to anyone, do any work or even move. My body doesn't feel normal, it feels jet-lagged somehow. I hate the outfit I'm wearing and my hair - even though washed and blowdried - looks lifeless and lank. I have just looked at my hotmail and all of the messages are from friends that are so happy. One is pregnant again, one has a new home in the country, one has a new kitten and one has a new boyfriend. How to make me feel even shittier... thanks.
I remember writing in my diary at age 15, that I wish the world would open up and swallow me and spit me out somewhere where no one knew me and I could start again. I still feel that at 41. I wish I could disappear and not have to answer awkward questions or pretend I'm ok. I wish I didn't have to lie a dozen times a day just so I don't upset anyone with how utterly miserable I'm feeling. I know when the dark feelings start because I don't answer the phone, I don't text and I don't email. I don't go out and see friends. I go home and cry. It'll last a few days, maybe until Friday at worst, then I'll brighten up and feel more myself.
When I used to see my therapist, when I had money... I would sit in her gorgeous sitting room and cry for the whole hour, unable to get even a sentence out about why I felt so sad. Its just overwhelming, that's all. And all the rubbish usually happens at once, not one shit thing at a time.
My parents and I always chat on a Sunday morning at 11:15 am. Thats our time. I have stopped telling them the truth about stuff. I can't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. So I lie. Things are fine, yup, works great, yup I've been out to parties and dinners. Yup life is just grand. Their own life right now is a bit shit so there's no point making them even more miserable with the reality of mine. My sister doesn't return phone calls and has decided she doesn't want to spend Christmas with the family. Mum and Dad feel rejected by it. So I have to go... that's going to be a bundle of laughs. Just the 3 of us. Another Christmas with no good news.
I apologise if this makes you all a bit sad. I can't afford my therapist any longer so this is the only way I can get it out.
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3 comments:
'I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.'
Some bloke called Rubin said that - I wish I had.
Great Blog
Thank you Richard, not sure how you stumbled across mine but you are the first (known) male to read it. Doesn't it sound to you just wee bit hormonal.. you must want to roll your eyes dramatically!! I
I have just read yours.. not all of it but the first couple of emails and I'm hooked. Have you heard of Griffin and Sabine by Nick Bantock?? Read it, you'll see why I suggest it.
Darling girl,
Thinking of you.
WEM xx
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