Grrrrrrrrr!!

Am I at my angry time of the month? I don't think I am which makes me suspicious because I'm getting very cross about things.

1. My very sick friend who has terminal cancer is refusing to eat. She says "what's the point, I'm dying anyway!" Um, hello, the point is if you are going to commit fucking suicide, death by starvation is not the best way... it is slow and agonising, in fact probably worse than dying of cancer! She gave in last night and had a yogurt, whoopeee doo!

2. My mortgage broker left a message on my phone saying "Hello mate (I'm not his bloody mate, I'm his bloomin client.. don't get pally with me, it insinuates a guilty conscience!), sorry I haven't been in touch for a few days. There's nothing to report really. Just be patient and I'll call you at the end of this week with some news, hopefully. Well, I can't promise anything but fingers crossed". Thanks for the vote of confidence and utter professionalism!!!

3. I can't think about having a baby. Every time I do, I get an ear ache in my right ear (prelude to panic attacks) and can't sleep. Am I turning into a man where multitasking is impossible because I seem to be able to only think about one thing at a time these days. I don't want to be a man.. bits of it aren't attractive!!

4. I went back to my therapist, the one who costs £50 a session and was deeply unimpressed. It was if I had to re-cap not only who I was and why I had originally gone to see her, but also what I'd been doing for the last 9 months!! I actually got bored talking about myself after about half an hour (very unusual) and just went quiet. We sat at stalemate for a few minutes and then she looked genuinely worried. Usually if I shut up for a moment, there is only time for a few deep breaths before I start up again but this time I wanted her to show genuine interest and ask ME something! She desperately looked at her notes and sighed. "Well Juliet, you seem to be handling all this very well actually. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" I looked at her "Why do you think I'm having these panic attacks again?" I asked. She looked a little awkward and coughed. "Why do YOU think you're having these panic attacks again?" she asked. Check mate!!! So then I rambled on for another 15 minutes until she said we had about 5 minutes left and did I want to talk about anything else. "Well, my friends dying of cancer. That's a bit shit!" She looked horrified, stood up and hugged me.. she's never done that before. She opened her diary to arrange another appointment and I made some excuse that I didn't have my diary on me and I would call her instead. I think she knew. I had mentioned I had seen another therapist and she had been really helpful. We shall see. I'm going to give the Harley Street one another go and see what happens.

Until then I will shout at bus drivers, mini cab drivers, young hoodies littering and barking dogs. I will tut at anyone walking in my path and just stay genuinely a bit angry at life. I think it's healthy, a bit of rage now and again. Surely its better than drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir a night. Actually come to think of it....