Well I have had to cry for help... in the form of my very very expensive therapist. I haven't seen her in over 8 months due to lack of freelance work and her £50 an hour price tag but needs must,. And although writing helps enormously, it just doesn't take the place of a human. A human that doesn't judge, doesn't advise, doesn't roll her eyes or sigh loudly. She just sits and gently nudges things out. And come out they do. I used to get frustrated with her that she didn't ask me more questions about what I was saying but by her staying a little quiet, I always ended up asking and answering the questions myself.
I originally saw her because I started having panic attacks around the time I turned 40 (hmmm funny that)! I would have these dreadful anxiety attacks anywhere I wasn't fully in control,. Mostly on the tube (well that gives most people cause for panic) or in enclosed spaces. Places where I couldn't leave without utterly humiliating myself. Places I had no control. I had to start sitting in aisle seats in cinemas and theatres just in case one suddenly came on, and I would have to leave quietly and try and breathe.
I wrote down over 2 dozen reasons why these panic attacks might have started, from the obvious (alone, 40 and single with no children) to the ridiculous (delayed stress 4 years after the 7/7 bombings). My therapist and I talked through them all and came to no particular conclusions. I even saw her husband for a hypnotherapy session... resulting in abnormally high references to wanting a golden retriever!! I do want a dog but thats hardly the cause of panic attacks is it?? So, we came up with nothing really, nothing concrete BUT just talking about it and being open about what was happening and talking to friends about the fact I was having these attacks, all helped. I knew I wasn't alone for a start. Crikey, there are a lot of us that have them! Gradually the panic attacks subsided, more slowly than they arrived, but they went nonetheless.
Now they're back. I had one or two last week and now they're happening every day again. This morning, on the tube I almost threw up I felt so faint and out of breath. I held my hat in my lap just in case I needed an improvised sick bag (nice!) I know that I have an awful amount of shit going on right now, that I tend to internalise and I put on a brave face a lot but its not healthy is it? So I have asked for help.
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The Trials and Tribulations of a 49 year old singleton
3 comments:
Hi there lady!
I suffer from anxiety attacks too. Like you - I am single, 41, no kids. I get it hon!
I have found that I get them when I have "Over done" things. Too much drink or stress, weird food, not enough sleep etc. I think it's My body telling me to keep it in check.
I also know that the anxiety - in my case - creates insomnia, so it begins to feed on itself if i don't keep it in check.
My best defense has been working out. I have NEVER been a Gym gal. I have always believed that I was good enough like I was - period. No gym routine was worth It, but last year I started having MASSIVE anxiety attacks and they began to invade my life. I freaked out in my Mini Cooper and had to pull over on the Freeway. It was terrifying.
I now do 30 minutes on the elypitical 3-4 days a week and I have forced myself to take some of the classes at my local Gym. I also try to walk as much as possible.
Sometimes I cry on the elypictical, but by the end I feel so much better, and I've actually lost a bit of weight in the process. win win.
If you ever want to share anything with me feel free. I'm in the same boat sister. You are so brave.
Love from Boston,
Victoria
Hello again
Re you panic attacks - I get them occasionally too, and my doc prescribed me a drug called Buspar which really seems to do the trick. Not addictive like valium etc and they seem to work.
R
dont want drugs!! I have enough to take with asthma and lack of thyroid gland!! Thanks for the suggestion though Richard.. and thanks soo much Victoria, I thought I knew you for a minute but you can't be my friend Victoria from Boston can you?? Unless you are very sneaky and put a fake photo on as well. Thing I going to try pilates and start my yoga up again! Very good idea and the walking thing is fab, really helps. Love to you xx
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