So... physically I can

I've got the eggs, I've got the hormones, I'm healthy and my body is in good working order. So... physically I can have a baby. Weeeeheeeeee!!

That's the result from Friday, as I sat in one of the offices at the London Womens Clinic on Harley Street. Everything looked good, especially for a 41 year old. Now I just had to try.

My doctor was so lovely and explained all my results from the 3 hours of tests I had just gone through. She explained that if I was in a relationship trying for a baby, I would succeed most probably. The fact is, I've only got one chance at this and it all boils down to money. MONEY!!! It seems ridiculous that my whole baby future lies in the fact that I only have a couple of grand to give it a go. IUI (having a baby with insemination) cost about £2,000. Thats one go... they wait til the right time of the month and then they flood (yuck) your womb with sperm and then cross their fingers. Its a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant. Terrible odds. But even though I'm physically in good shape and I've got everything in the right place, my age is against me. My eggs are still old and my fertility is not a 30 year olds so that's why the chances aren't so good.

She recommended that for my best chances I should try straight for IVF (having your eggs stimulated, then removed and mixed with the sperm in a petri dish. Wait for them to get fertislised and then put a couple back in the womb to develop!!). IVF not only costs about £5,000 a pop but the risk is multiple births. If I'm doing this on my own then how on earth could I handle twins?? I couldn't so therefore I can't risk having IVF. However, I could do it if I had £50,00 spare which is why it all comes down to money again. If I knew I could get some sort of help with the twins, a part time nanny or something and wouldnt have to worry about working all the time, then I would do the IVF... do you see??

But to be honest... whats really holding me back is still the morality of it, the emotions and feelings, not the money or process!!!

I went for a long walk on my own yesterday and think I'm 85% there in deciding to go for it. The only thing that holds me back is the question "Am I doing this totally selfishly?" Knowingly, raising a child alone when family for me is so important. Doing it knowing one day I'm going to have to explain there is no daddy at all. Will he/she feel like some sort of scientific experiment. No father at all... at least with a fling, you may not KNOW the father but you've spent at least half an hour with him (hopefully half an hour!!!!) so you have a vague idea what he looks like. With a sperm donor, what if you absolutely hate the way your child looks... he may have murderous eyes, weird jutting forehead, just scary. You will never know where that part of the baby came from... I will be wondering just as much.. who is he?? Can I live with all that?? Every day looking into a part strangers eyes?

Also I had the most wonderful childhood, friends and family constantly around me. I have always wanted the same which is why I've waited so long. I was always so convinced that it would work out for me, boyfriend, husband children... the way it should be.

Now I am going against every fibre in my body about how you should bring up a child. So is it fair on the child? I can't give them what I had. Apart from an abundance of love, they won't be able to travel the world, have mummy stay at home, supported by Daddy. Have a sister to play with, live in a big house in the country with rambling hills and woods to play in. Have wonderful grandparents. I say this because by the time my baby would be 5 or 6 years old, my Mum and Dad will be in their mid 70's. They wont be able to look after or run around after my child like mine did. They are also not able to be the very involved babysitters as they were with my sisters kids. Mum spent every week looking after my nephews ten years ago but I can't ask her to do that now. Physically she's just not well enough and Dad would not want to. His tolerance of noise and children is at an all time low and I don't want to burden them with my selfish act or force them to care for a baby they advised me against.

I desperately need support though, if I'm to do it. Not sure where that will come from. I will be broke and lonely too... can I cope??

My head spins all the time with these decisions. BUT to be honest I only have a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant anyway so its a hell of a piece of magic and good luck if I do. I just wish someone would whisper in my ear… it's ok Jules, you will be looked after, you will be a fabulous Mother, go with your gut.