6 months!!

I haven't written a blog for 6 months. For some people it means life has been so joyous they have little time to sit and write at a computer, for others it means life's been shit and its too depressing to write about.

Well, even thought the reason for me not writing is the latter, I am not about to try and put down in detail, all the woes of the last half year. I am now trying to be in positive mode and so will update with very short sentences.

In April, I was verbally harassed 3 times by an old neighbour.

It was so abusive and threatening in its demeanour, the police urged me to press charges.

I was so stressed and scared I had to leave my flat for long chunks of time and stay with friends and family.

In May, the same old neighbour beat up 4 separate strangers.

He was arrested for aggravated assault.

The police told me I had got off lightly but suggested I stay away from my flat as much as possible.

He pleaded not guilty to all 5 charges and was free to wander around without a care in the world.

My work suffers. My sleep suffers. I put on a stone in weight from stress eating.

I don't feel right. I see the doctor and I am told it's not just stress. I am also going through early menopause.

I am 42. I will never have children. My body will grow old and dry and I will inevitably grow a beard or something!

I try and stay positive and see as many friends as possible. Some are supportive, others aren't.

I stop talking about it because I think my friends are bored of hearing about it.

I stay in more and more alone and drink too much.

My case goes to court and I give evidence. It is the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do.

Luckily, I have incredible support on the day.

The man is found guilty on all charges. He is given an immediate restraining order.

I decide to sell up. My lovely flat has been tainted by this traumatic episode and I want to move.

The police tell me, even with the restraining order, its still not safe for me.

I decide to put my flat on the market.

The estate agent tells me my flat has gone down in value by £20,000 and I should wait til Spring.

I think about renting it out but am told I need to spend £7,000 on fixing it up to rentable quality.

I am stuck. No bank will lend me the money.

I am put on HRT which will probably send me loopy.

The doctor is still not happy and puts me through days of tests.

I am told I am hypoglycemic and must adjust my diet accordingly. The GI diet. I enjoy it. Its kind of how I eat anyway but just more protein, less starch and NO sugar EVER!

I find out my ex boyfriend is to appear on Gordon Ramsay's Best restaurant with his Thai wife. This is the Thai wife he met 2 weeks after we split up and she got pregnant within the month. I don't want to see how happy they are or how successful. It makes me realise I haven't moved on from him and its been over 10 years.

I feel very sad.

I visit my sister and accidentally take 3 sleeping pills instead of my usual 3 thyroxine tablets. The room was dark and the packets look the same. I throw up, ring NHS direct and they laugh and tell me I will be fine. Apparently my dose is so low its what normal people take. My parents think its hilarious as does the rest of my friends and family. It is ridiculous. I sleep really well, all day, for the first time in months.

Only one friend texts me asking if I have done it on purpose?

I am so sad and angry a close friend could think that... I may be a bit miserable but not bloody suicidal.

And when, in the history of suicide attempts did someone try to do it with 3 sleeping pills?

I am really hurt.

Several texts later I feel even worse. I feel myself growing away. Distancing.

The friends I thought I could talk to have their own problems. Burdening them with mine seems selfish.

Some friends listen but don't hear. Others hear but don't understand.

I feel utterly lost and frustrated at times.. one of those "NO one understands me" moments! I want to escape. But thats always the way I do things and in the end it doesn't really solve anything at all. You come back to the same old crap, just a bit thinner and a bit browner.

I did say at the beginning of this that I was now positive. I am. I am positive about moving and changing and growing and loving. I know the shit stuff is done and behind me. And that all that's really important isn't it?