I read an article about Eddie Izzard, the comedian, the other day and he said that he was often incredibly lonely because "he knew lots of people but didn't have any friends". I felt like writing to him and saying "I know what you mean, I feel the same way sometimes."
It didn't always used to be like this. Ten years ago, before all my friends began having children, there would be endless dinner parties, girls nights out, girls nights in. My social life was wonderful. I honestly never thought it would change quite so much. I guess I was lucky growing up because my parent's friends never seemed to change when they had children. Their social lives got busier and the children would be taken everywhere... dinner party, ooh yes please, I'll just shove the baby on the spare bed. BBQ, fantastic, can the kids watch TV?
There is one huge difference though. I'm the one without the kids. That's why my social life has gone wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm being punished, not by God .. although he has a lot to answer for, but by my friends for not having children. I'm constantly told "You don't understand, I have no life. I'm exhausted and have no time for myself. EVER! You are so lucky Jules, you can lie in bed and read the papers, you can read a book, you are able to travel and have dinner dates and so on and so on". Some of my friends seem to hate me for it. They have no idea that I still wonder why I should be on this planet if I can't have children. That I am a waste, totally inadequate as a human and as a woman. That no man will ever want me because I am barren. That I feel totally excluded from their lives because I don't have children. It makes me feel unwanted and useless. But then I can't tell them that because then it sounds so selfish.
And, its bollocks about not having a social life. My friends tell me about their BBQ's and their street parties and their childrens parties. It's just I'm not invited. If I had children I'd be invited. Also because I'm single I get left out of couples dinner parties and there never is a spare man is there? So it's not always greener is it?
I have a best friend. Someone I used to tell everything to. She is still my best friend.. if you're reading this. She means the world to me but I never hear from her. I leave it weeks and I still don't hear from her so I ring or text or email. Then I get upset because I think, if I never ever rang her again would she think to ring me? I could be dead in my flat and she wouldn't know for months. This morning, I read about the unhappy time she is having... on her blog. I try and reach out and ask her what's wrong but she puts up her wall and says nothing. I feel I lost her a few years ago and when a particularly traumatic event happened last year, I felt I'd lost her again because she wasn't there. The thing is, I know her so well. I know that when she is lost or miserable the first thing she does is recede into her shell and says nothing. She can't share. She's not like that. Her lovely Mum was very stoic and stiff upper lip and my darling friend is the same. I miss her like mad. I feel a bit of her has disappeared with her sadness and I wish I could make it better. But how do you force someone to talk to you without becoming over dramatic or a pain in the arse??
I started writing another blog a few months ago and she had links to that and this blog on her own page. When I read her blog this morning I noticed the links had gone. I'm not sure what that means. I'm not even sure if she reads either of them. I want some sort of sign if I've done something wrong. I want her to tell me to stop being paranoid. I want to be told to stop worrying and believe her. I want to not have to write a very personal blog in order that it might reach her.
To you, my darling friend... I love you.