Having recently returned from a trip to Morocco, and having witnessed all the loved up couples on my travels, I realised I had been single for 2 years, therefore, having had no sex for 2 years! It's tragic!
So to resolve this dilemma, quickly and efficiently, I decided to offer my booty to an old flame. The old flame is one I have written about on here before and swore I would never see again. I actually told him I never wanted to see him again because of his lying and bullshit about separating from his wife, which is transpired, he hadn't.
The reason I picked him though is that I know where he's been and I know he's discreet, rich and desperate! The last time I saw him he told me that although he hadn't left his wife quite yet, they slept in separate bedrooms and they hadn't had sex in over 6 years. Not sure I believed that but judging on his performance, I would say it had been a good couple of years at least since he'd had sex. You can sort of tell these things! So a perfect match for some harmless, one off sex I thought.
I tested the waters with a short and sweet email. When I got an excited reply about how he thought he would never hear from me again and how he'd missed me and how he'd like to take me out for the day, to the coast or a long lunch, I dropped the bomb. "Actually," I wrote "I'm going to be very honest with you but as we have never had a normal relationship and our romantic day and weekends away have always been a disaster, I was thinking that maybe we could just meet at a lovely hotel for a few hours and have some hot, dirty sex?". There it is.
Nanoseconds later he replied "Oh my god, I wasn't expecting that and I've just fallen off my chair. But yes, Oh yes please, I would love to meet and have dirty sex with you." Well, what red blooded man would turn down free uncomplicated sex?
We then agreed on a date and it was all going to plan... UNTIL I suggested a few places in town that are beautiful and quite luxurious for our little tryst. Whenever we have been anywhere in the past, he has chosen lovely, tasteful places so I thought that would still be the case, especially for what we had in mind. He came back with a reply that was a bit... well, yuck!.
“Fuck me, for a girl who didnt want romance St Pancras is described as londons most romantic hotel plus a fab breakfast which we wont have obviously!!! Im slightly, errr, impecunious, at the moment. Lets get down at the nearby Euston Ibis - you book it and check in (and out) and i'll pay you. Drinks on me as well!! I'll come up to the room and meet you there. I'll send you link for hotel. Ive stayed there a couple of times after dinners and its very comfortable if functional. I'm getting very excited by this cos i never thought Id hear from you again.”
Yuck, yuck!! There are so many awful things in this I was gobsmacked.
1. Implying it will be a quick fuck so no need for breakfast.
2. Even typing the words "let's get down.." Eughhh!
3. The Euston Ibis the worst kind of salesman's motel. Ten steps down from a Holiday Inn. Characterless, cheap and ugly. Him saying "comfortable and functional" is so clinical. Yuck!
4. "You book, check in and I'll pay you". Am I a prostitute?
5. "Drinks on me as well!!" The bar at the Ibis is even worse that the rooms!
5. "I'll come up to the room and meet you there". Ok, now starting to make me feel like a whore.
In fact, even typing it out has got me sooooo angry again. I know emails can be misread and the tone of voice lost but really. It's all too sleazy!!
I wrote back a terse paragraph: "I think we have our wires crossed. The Ibis is dreadful and the opposite to what I had in mind Mac. When I suggested a sexy evening with you it didn't mean it has to be in some tarts hotel for a quickie and then "pay me"!! If you want that sort of thing, you can go to the Ibis with a girl outside Kings Cross station and pay by the hour!!"
Unsurprisingly I haven't heard back. It just might be a little longer until I have sex again!!!