I'm having one of those Mondays where I wish I wasn't really here. I don't want to talk to anyone, do any work or even move. My body doesn't feel normal, it feels jet-lagged somehow. I hate the outfit I'm wearing and my hair - even though washed and blowdried - looks lifeless and lank. I have just looked at my hotmail and all of the messages are from friends that are so happy. One is pregnant again, one has a new home in the country, one has a new kitten and one has a new boyfriend. How to make me feel even shittier... thanks.
I remember writing in my diary at age 15, that I wish the world would open up and swallow me and spit me out somewhere where no one knew me and I could start again. I still feel that at 41. I wish I could disappear and not have to answer awkward questions or pretend I'm ok. I wish I didn't have to lie a dozen times a day just so I don't upset anyone with how utterly miserable I'm feeling. I know when the dark feelings start because I don't answer the phone, I don't text and I don't email. I don't go out and see friends. I go home and cry. It'll last a few days, maybe until Friday at worst, then I'll brighten up and feel more myself.
When I used to see my therapist, when I had money... I would sit in her gorgeous sitting room and cry for the whole hour, unable to get even a sentence out about why I felt so sad. Its just overwhelming, that's all. And all the rubbish usually happens at once, not one shit thing at a time.
My parents and I always chat on a Sunday morning at 11:15 am. Thats our time. I have stopped telling them the truth about stuff. I can't bear to hear the disappointment in their voices. So I lie. Things are fine, yup, works great, yup I've been out to parties and dinners. Yup life is just grand. Their own life right now is a bit shit so there's no point making them even more miserable with the reality of mine. My sister doesn't return phone calls and has decided she doesn't want to spend Christmas with the family. Mum and Dad feel rejected by it. So I have to go... that's going to be a bundle of laughs. Just the 3 of us. Another Christmas with no good news.
I apologise if this makes you all a bit sad. I can't afford my therapist any longer so this is the only way I can get it out.
Monday, 19 October 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
After all this time it might be a no!
Just when I thought finally everything was turning a corner for me and I get the good news about my body being fertile and so on, my mortgage adviser tells me its now unlikely I'll get the equity released from my mortgage. Thats the money I need for treatment at Harley Street, which means no baby. I'm devastated.
Monday, 12 October 2009
So... physically I can
I've got the eggs, I've got the hormones, I'm healthy and my body is in good working order. So... physically I can have a baby. Weeeeheeeeee!!
That's the result from Friday, as I sat in one of the offices at the London Womens Clinic on Harley Street. Everything looked good, especially for a 41 year old. Now I just had to try.
My doctor was so lovely and explained all my results from the 3 hours of tests I had just gone through. She explained that if I was in a relationship trying for a baby, I would succeed most probably. The fact is, I've only got one chance at this and it all boils down to money. MONEY!!! It seems ridiculous that my whole baby future lies in the fact that I only have a couple of grand to give it a go. IUI (having a baby with insemination) cost about £2,000. Thats one go... they wait til the right time of the month and then they flood (yuck) your womb with sperm and then cross their fingers. Its a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant. Terrible odds. But even though I'm physically in good shape and I've got everything in the right place, my age is against me. My eggs are still old and my fertility is not a 30 year olds so that's why the chances aren't so good.
She recommended that for my best chances I should try straight for IVF (having your eggs stimulated, then removed and mixed with the sperm in a petri dish. Wait for them to get fertislised and then put a couple back in the womb to develop!!). IVF not only costs about £5,000 a pop but the risk is multiple births. If I'm doing this on my own then how on earth could I handle twins?? I couldn't so therefore I can't risk having IVF. However, I could do it if I had £50,00 spare which is why it all comes down to money again. If I knew I could get some sort of help with the twins, a part time nanny or something and wouldnt have to worry about working all the time, then I would do the IVF... do you see??
But to be honest... whats really holding me back is still the morality of it, the emotions and feelings, not the money or process!!!
I went for a long walk on my own yesterday and think I'm 85% there in deciding to go for it. The only thing that holds me back is the question "Am I doing this totally selfishly?" Knowingly, raising a child alone when family for me is so important. Doing it knowing one day I'm going to have to explain there is no daddy at all. Will he/she feel like some sort of scientific experiment. No father at all... at least with a fling, you may not KNOW the father but you've spent at least half an hour with him (hopefully half an hour!!!!) so you have a vague idea what he looks like. With a sperm donor, what if you absolutely hate the way your child looks... he may have murderous eyes, weird jutting forehead, just scary. You will never know where that part of the baby came from... I will be wondering just as much.. who is he?? Can I live with all that?? Every day looking into a part strangers eyes?
Also I had the most wonderful childhood, friends and family constantly around me. I have always wanted the same which is why I've waited so long. I was always so convinced that it would work out for me, boyfriend, husband children... the way it should be.
Now I am going against every fibre in my body about how you should bring up a child. So is it fair on the child? I can't give them what I had. Apart from an abundance of love, they won't be able to travel the world, have mummy stay at home, supported by Daddy. Have a sister to play with, live in a big house in the country with rambling hills and woods to play in. Have wonderful grandparents. I say this because by the time my baby would be 5 or 6 years old, my Mum and Dad will be in their mid 70's. They wont be able to look after or run around after my child like mine did. They are also not able to be the very involved babysitters as they were with my sisters kids. Mum spent every week looking after my nephews ten years ago but I can't ask her to do that now. Physically she's just not well enough and Dad would not want to. His tolerance of noise and children is at an all time low and I don't want to burden them with my selfish act or force them to care for a baby they advised me against.
I desperately need support though, if I'm to do it. Not sure where that will come from. I will be broke and lonely too... can I cope??
My head spins all the time with these decisions. BUT to be honest I only have a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant anyway so its a hell of a piece of magic and good luck if I do. I just wish someone would whisper in my ear… it's ok Jules, you will be looked after, you will be a fabulous Mother, go with your gut.
That's the result from Friday, as I sat in one of the offices at the London Womens Clinic on Harley Street. Everything looked good, especially for a 41 year old. Now I just had to try.
My doctor was so lovely and explained all my results from the 3 hours of tests I had just gone through. She explained that if I was in a relationship trying for a baby, I would succeed most probably. The fact is, I've only got one chance at this and it all boils down to money. MONEY!!! It seems ridiculous that my whole baby future lies in the fact that I only have a couple of grand to give it a go. IUI (having a baby with insemination) cost about £2,000. Thats one go... they wait til the right time of the month and then they flood (yuck) your womb with sperm and then cross their fingers. Its a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant. Terrible odds. But even though I'm physically in good shape and I've got everything in the right place, my age is against me. My eggs are still old and my fertility is not a 30 year olds so that's why the chances aren't so good.
She recommended that for my best chances I should try straight for IVF (having your eggs stimulated, then removed and mixed with the sperm in a petri dish. Wait for them to get fertislised and then put a couple back in the womb to develop!!). IVF not only costs about £5,000 a pop but the risk is multiple births. If I'm doing this on my own then how on earth could I handle twins?? I couldn't so therefore I can't risk having IVF. However, I could do it if I had £50,00 spare which is why it all comes down to money again. If I knew I could get some sort of help with the twins, a part time nanny or something and wouldnt have to worry about working all the time, then I would do the IVF... do you see??
But to be honest... whats really holding me back is still the morality of it, the emotions and feelings, not the money or process!!!
I went for a long walk on my own yesterday and think I'm 85% there in deciding to go for it. The only thing that holds me back is the question "Am I doing this totally selfishly?" Knowingly, raising a child alone when family for me is so important. Doing it knowing one day I'm going to have to explain there is no daddy at all. Will he/she feel like some sort of scientific experiment. No father at all... at least with a fling, you may not KNOW the father but you've spent at least half an hour with him (hopefully half an hour!!!!) so you have a vague idea what he looks like. With a sperm donor, what if you absolutely hate the way your child looks... he may have murderous eyes, weird jutting forehead, just scary. You will never know where that part of the baby came from... I will be wondering just as much.. who is he?? Can I live with all that?? Every day looking into a part strangers eyes?
Also I had the most wonderful childhood, friends and family constantly around me. I have always wanted the same which is why I've waited so long. I was always so convinced that it would work out for me, boyfriend, husband children... the way it should be.
Now I am going against every fibre in my body about how you should bring up a child. So is it fair on the child? I can't give them what I had. Apart from an abundance of love, they won't be able to travel the world, have mummy stay at home, supported by Daddy. Have a sister to play with, live in a big house in the country with rambling hills and woods to play in. Have wonderful grandparents. I say this because by the time my baby would be 5 or 6 years old, my Mum and Dad will be in their mid 70's. They wont be able to look after or run around after my child like mine did. They are also not able to be the very involved babysitters as they were with my sisters kids. Mum spent every week looking after my nephews ten years ago but I can't ask her to do that now. Physically she's just not well enough and Dad would not want to. His tolerance of noise and children is at an all time low and I don't want to burden them with my selfish act or force them to care for a baby they advised me against.
I desperately need support though, if I'm to do it. Not sure where that will come from. I will be broke and lonely too... can I cope??
My head spins all the time with these decisions. BUT to be honest I only have a 1 in 20 chance of getting pregnant anyway so its a hell of a piece of magic and good luck if I do. I just wish someone would whisper in my ear… it's ok Jules, you will be looked after, you will be a fabulous Mother, go with your gut.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
In limbo
I can't seem to get on with anything. I'm in total limbo with the baby thing, the flat thing, the money thing.
I'm STILL waiting to hear about my bloody mortgage.. apparently it's 80% there and sorted but now I have to have a surveyor round to value my flat. They are utter utter bastards! So once again, clean the flat from top to bottom, fresh baked bread smells and fresh flowers on display. Every time an estate agent comes round I fall in love with my flat all over again because I make it look so damn nice! Why it can't look this good ALL the time? In half an hours time, there will be papers all over, a pile of washing, a sink full of plates and the post scattered across my wooden floor in the hallway. And it's only me, on my own!!! How can one tidy girl create such havoc?
The baby thing is the real mind fuck right now though. My friend hit it on the head yesterday by saying that for the past year, I was so convinced that I couldn't physically have children, that I wanted it more than ever. Now I have got half my hormone tests back and they are all very good, so I CAN (on paper) have a baby but there are chinks in the whole plan. One morning I wake up 100% that I want a baby, the next morning I wake up 100% that I just can't do it.
I have asked about 10 friends over the last 2 weeks (friends that have children), that if they were to step into my shoes right now, would they have a baby? About 8 out of ten said they wouldn't have a baby if they were me. This is taking on board I don't have a partner, my family are 2 hours away, I am a freelance designer earning only just enough, I am grumpy when I've had no sleep and get ill quite a bit (ok thats the negative!)
Two of these friends are my closest friends. I was so gutted to hear them say it but they were being honest. They both said that even with the support of a boyfriend/husband, having a baby was sooo hard. To do it alone, they said, would be too difficult.
Then one other friend, out of the blue, the only friend I know thats done it alone, said, no matter how hard it all is, you DO cope, you DO find support, you DO find the money. She said to me "Jules, you've got to think about it like this... if you accidentally got pregnant tomorrow, you did the test etc., would you have an abortion?" Oh my god, of course not. "Well then, you would cope wouldn't you. You would have the baby even thought the circumstances weren't perfect and you would love that baby just as much as if you'd spent years planning it."
She's right. When I found out in January that I was pregnant and I did 3 pregnancy tests to make sure (it disappeared 3 weeks later) ... I couldn't stop smiling. I was even standing there in front of the mirror, sticking my stomach out to see what I'd look like (didn't have to try too hard, bit of a belly anyway!!) I rashly joined a baby forum who still send me emails (it was hard when they said a month ago "congratulations on your new baby"). I would have had a baby right now... and I would be struggling but I would be so in love with it that nothing would matter. I know that.
Still, there is a nagging feeling that morally I am not doing it right. It has been hammered into me from such a young age, the traditional lifestyle, the way things should be... things happen for a reason. I've said this my whole life too. Karma, kismet etc. I totally 100% believe in it all. I have had my palm read about 3 times in 20 years and every time, the palm reader said she couldn't see children in my life. I mean, that's really really a harsh thing to say to someone. BUT, here's the thing. By her saying that to me.. did I have some self fulfilling prophecy? The more I was told it couldn't happen, have I made it NOT happen?? Do you see what I mean? If someone says you can't, you can't, you can't, over and over, you eventually believe them.
There's always the rebel in me though, that says fuck you, I CAN do it, no one says I can't do something. This happened when I was 16.. I was told I was incredibly bright in all the sciences and that I should do A Levels etc. in those subjects. I wanted to do art though. Art and music and drama. My O' level grades were pretty poor in art but I insisted that I would work so hard and be good at it. Well, there you have it, I wasn't the best artist, I'm still not.. but I know my strengths (a good eye for colour and layout) and my weaknesses. Instead of choosing to be a sculptor or go into textiles, I knew I would be better at graphic design, I knew I could make a living out it and I do.
So I HAVE rebelled throughout my life, I have gone against everyone's advice and I have come out the other side happier. I moved across the world twice following my dreams, I have traveled the world when financially I shouldn't have. I've gone out with inappropriate men and partied to excess when I knew it would make me feel shit for weeks. I have done a lot of things I shouldn't have, for all sorts of different reasons, but do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.
12 years ago, at a Boxing Day party with my family, I went around the room of friends and family, old and young, and asked them if they regretted not doing something in their lives. If, on their death bed, would they say "I've had a good life but I wish I'd had the courage to do... (and fill in the blank)". I would say about half of them looked a little sad or simply shrugged and sighed. Half that group of people had dreams and wishes that they'd never gone for. Sometimes, not even their partners knew about these dreams and were shocked at certain revelations. There were rock stars, dancers and doctors in that room and for one reason or another they were advised against doing it. How sad, I thought. The next week I flew back to London from a wonderful life in Boston US, to pursue my dream of acting. Safe to say, I am not a Hollywood star but I gave it a good go and now I am happy to say, well at least I tried. I still do some amateur stuff on stage and I'm happy with that.
Based on that party and people's responses, I decided if I wanted to do something badly enough, I would make it happen. I would never want to be on my death bed and say "I wish I'd had a child" God, that's just sent shivers down my spine. I don't want to live my life without a child. WOW, its amazing what happens when you write things down.
So, tomorrow I have the pelvic ultrasound. I can't really afford to do it (it's £150) but I need to know from them, if they think I can have a baby. As I said before, there is a fibroid but I can't keep putting this appointment off. I need to know one way or the other don't I??
I'm STILL waiting to hear about my bloody mortgage.. apparently it's 80% there and sorted but now I have to have a surveyor round to value my flat. They are utter utter bastards! So once again, clean the flat from top to bottom, fresh baked bread smells and fresh flowers on display. Every time an estate agent comes round I fall in love with my flat all over again because I make it look so damn nice! Why it can't look this good ALL the time? In half an hours time, there will be papers all over, a pile of washing, a sink full of plates and the post scattered across my wooden floor in the hallway. And it's only me, on my own!!! How can one tidy girl create such havoc?
The baby thing is the real mind fuck right now though. My friend hit it on the head yesterday by saying that for the past year, I was so convinced that I couldn't physically have children, that I wanted it more than ever. Now I have got half my hormone tests back and they are all very good, so I CAN (on paper) have a baby but there are chinks in the whole plan. One morning I wake up 100% that I want a baby, the next morning I wake up 100% that I just can't do it.
I have asked about 10 friends over the last 2 weeks (friends that have children), that if they were to step into my shoes right now, would they have a baby? About 8 out of ten said they wouldn't have a baby if they were me. This is taking on board I don't have a partner, my family are 2 hours away, I am a freelance designer earning only just enough, I am grumpy when I've had no sleep and get ill quite a bit (ok thats the negative!)
Two of these friends are my closest friends. I was so gutted to hear them say it but they were being honest. They both said that even with the support of a boyfriend/husband, having a baby was sooo hard. To do it alone, they said, would be too difficult.
Then one other friend, out of the blue, the only friend I know thats done it alone, said, no matter how hard it all is, you DO cope, you DO find support, you DO find the money. She said to me "Jules, you've got to think about it like this... if you accidentally got pregnant tomorrow, you did the test etc., would you have an abortion?" Oh my god, of course not. "Well then, you would cope wouldn't you. You would have the baby even thought the circumstances weren't perfect and you would love that baby just as much as if you'd spent years planning it."
She's right. When I found out in January that I was pregnant and I did 3 pregnancy tests to make sure (it disappeared 3 weeks later) ... I couldn't stop smiling. I was even standing there in front of the mirror, sticking my stomach out to see what I'd look like (didn't have to try too hard, bit of a belly anyway!!) I rashly joined a baby forum who still send me emails (it was hard when they said a month ago "congratulations on your new baby"). I would have had a baby right now... and I would be struggling but I would be so in love with it that nothing would matter. I know that.
Still, there is a nagging feeling that morally I am not doing it right. It has been hammered into me from such a young age, the traditional lifestyle, the way things should be... things happen for a reason. I've said this my whole life too. Karma, kismet etc. I totally 100% believe in it all. I have had my palm read about 3 times in 20 years and every time, the palm reader said she couldn't see children in my life. I mean, that's really really a harsh thing to say to someone. BUT, here's the thing. By her saying that to me.. did I have some self fulfilling prophecy? The more I was told it couldn't happen, have I made it NOT happen?? Do you see what I mean? If someone says you can't, you can't, you can't, over and over, you eventually believe them.
There's always the rebel in me though, that says fuck you, I CAN do it, no one says I can't do something. This happened when I was 16.. I was told I was incredibly bright in all the sciences and that I should do A Levels etc. in those subjects. I wanted to do art though. Art and music and drama. My O' level grades were pretty poor in art but I insisted that I would work so hard and be good at it. Well, there you have it, I wasn't the best artist, I'm still not.. but I know my strengths (a good eye for colour and layout) and my weaknesses. Instead of choosing to be a sculptor or go into textiles, I knew I would be better at graphic design, I knew I could make a living out it and I do.
So I HAVE rebelled throughout my life, I have gone against everyone's advice and I have come out the other side happier. I moved across the world twice following my dreams, I have traveled the world when financially I shouldn't have. I've gone out with inappropriate men and partied to excess when I knew it would make me feel shit for weeks. I have done a lot of things I shouldn't have, for all sorts of different reasons, but do I regret any of it? Absolutely not.
12 years ago, at a Boxing Day party with my family, I went around the room of friends and family, old and young, and asked them if they regretted not doing something in their lives. If, on their death bed, would they say "I've had a good life but I wish I'd had the courage to do... (and fill in the blank)". I would say about half of them looked a little sad or simply shrugged and sighed. Half that group of people had dreams and wishes that they'd never gone for. Sometimes, not even their partners knew about these dreams and were shocked at certain revelations. There were rock stars, dancers and doctors in that room and for one reason or another they were advised against doing it. How sad, I thought. The next week I flew back to London from a wonderful life in Boston US, to pursue my dream of acting. Safe to say, I am not a Hollywood star but I gave it a good go and now I am happy to say, well at least I tried. I still do some amateur stuff on stage and I'm happy with that.
Based on that party and people's responses, I decided if I wanted to do something badly enough, I would make it happen. I would never want to be on my death bed and say "I wish I'd had a child" God, that's just sent shivers down my spine. I don't want to live my life without a child. WOW, its amazing what happens when you write things down.
So, tomorrow I have the pelvic ultrasound. I can't really afford to do it (it's £150) but I need to know from them, if they think I can have a baby. As I said before, there is a fibroid but I can't keep putting this appointment off. I need to know one way or the other don't I??
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Good news, bad news and utterly devastating news
Good news: I just learned that my Father has had the all clear for his bladder cancer. So until his next test 3 months from now, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Good news: I have just had my hormone fertility tests back and they are all very good. I have good fertility meaning that I am very capable of having a baby. Now it all depends on what they find when they do a pelvic ultrasound next Friday. I know I have a fibroid so the ultrasound will show if its grown, if it might get in the way of a baby growing. If it has, I may have to have surgery to remove it.
Bad news: I still haven't heard about my mortgage and equity release. The Abbey National are being utter pains in the backside, asking for more bits of info every few days. It was supposed to have been sorted out by today when my current mortgage actually finishes but they are being shit. I'm losing faith in my mortgage broker... I contacted him over 6 weeks ago to sort this out and still its up in the air. His holiday was far more important and so MY life has been delayed 10 days.
Utterly devastating news: Yesterday, an hour after finding out about my Fathers' good news, I heard about a good friends' cancer returning, with a vengeance. Last year, at the age of 29, she had a mastectomy to remove breast cancer. She has only just felt herself, her hair has grown back, her confidence returned. Last week she found a lump in her neck. Yesterday they told her it was fatal. With treatment she has a life expectancy of 2-3 years... without treatment, 2-3 months. I don't know how to react. I'm in such shock it's hard to express it. Only when I spoke to her best friend late last night did it truly hit me, and we spent the next hour in hysterical tears. My friend and her best friend are meeting tonight to talk it through but my friend has already said she can't go through the hours of chemo and radiotherapy again and is saying she might refuse treatment. All I know is that if I she wants to jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, get drunk every night... then I will be there, doing it with her.
Good news: I have just had my hormone fertility tests back and they are all very good. I have good fertility meaning that I am very capable of having a baby. Now it all depends on what they find when they do a pelvic ultrasound next Friday. I know I have a fibroid so the ultrasound will show if its grown, if it might get in the way of a baby growing. If it has, I may have to have surgery to remove it.
Bad news: I still haven't heard about my mortgage and equity release. The Abbey National are being utter pains in the backside, asking for more bits of info every few days. It was supposed to have been sorted out by today when my current mortgage actually finishes but they are being shit. I'm losing faith in my mortgage broker... I contacted him over 6 weeks ago to sort this out and still its up in the air. His holiday was far more important and so MY life has been delayed 10 days.
Utterly devastating news: Yesterday, an hour after finding out about my Fathers' good news, I heard about a good friends' cancer returning, with a vengeance. Last year, at the age of 29, she had a mastectomy to remove breast cancer. She has only just felt herself, her hair has grown back, her confidence returned. Last week she found a lump in her neck. Yesterday they told her it was fatal. With treatment she has a life expectancy of 2-3 years... without treatment, 2-3 months. I don't know how to react. I'm in such shock it's hard to express it. Only when I spoke to her best friend late last night did it truly hit me, and we spent the next hour in hysterical tears. My friend and her best friend are meeting tonight to talk it through but my friend has already said she can't go through the hours of chemo and radiotherapy again and is saying she might refuse treatment. All I know is that if I she wants to jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, get drunk every night... then I will be there, doing it with her.
Monday, 21 September 2009
I MUST stop whingeing!!
I just read my last blog and bloody hell, I'm surprised anyone would read it. I don't half go on and on about shite don't I? Moaning about this, complaining about that... I am going to try and be a bit more positive from now on.
However, a couple of moans for good measure!!
I still haven't heard if I'm getting my equity release. My mortgage broker called last week and sounded a little frantic about getting my applications off, to various lenders. I wondered why he was getting so agitated until he said "Well, I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I wanted to get all your stuff done and dusted today!" So, he's gone to Spain for 10 days and I won't hear anything until he comes back.. bloody brilliant. There's me stressed to the hilt, not sleeping, wondering what my future will hold, and old mortgage guy is off on his hols. Have a lovely time, don't worry about me!! So another agonising week of nothing.
I've been sleeping so badly its affecting my work. I toss and turn all night and fall asleep in a sweaty awkward position. I wake abruptly when the alarm goes off and I don't feel at all rested. My body thinks I've been working as a contortionist, all twisted and uncomfortable. Last week I was half an hour late for work on 2 mornings. The studio was fine with it, they are friends and didn't mind and it all works out ok because I just stay a bit longer at the end of the day...
This morning was a different story. I didn't fall asleep until past 3 am. I woke at 6am with a neck spasm so painful I couldn't move my head. When I tried to move, it shot a dagger up the back of my head into my temple. Shit shit shit, I thought, I have to go into work, I cannot let this stop me working. I ran a very hot bath, took some painkillers, rubbed on some arnica and then got back into bed for an hour. Nothing helped. By 8am I knew I had to make the dreaded call to work. Oh, this is a different studio to last week, by the way. A really great studio in Kensington that I love freelancing for. They were hit quite badly by the recession and have only just been getting their favourite designers back in, so I was thrilled when they rang last week and booked me. Now I was ringing the studio manager and trying to explain what had happened... on her voice mail!!! Anything you try and say on a Monday morning sounds flaky. No one believes there is anything wrong with you I'm sure. They all think "oh, I bet she had a heavy weekend and can't be bothered" But thats wrong! I get paid by the hour. If I call in sick, then I'm sick. I am losing a lot of money if I don't go to work and believe me, I cannot afford not to. So when I do call in sick its for a very damn good reason. I simply cannot work!!
So I sent off the message and hear nothing back. I call again at 9:30 and she is in a meeting. I text her at 10:30 and no answer. Shit... she hates me. I then get a text from her saying please read my email. Oh dear! So I get myself out of bed, hot water bottle wrapped round my head, secured with a tea towel (quite weirdly, a good 50's headscarf look!!!) and check my email. The disappointment in her message is just pouring out of the screen. She not only has got someone to replace me today but for the rest of the week because as she says "we can't risk you not being well tomorrow". Ok, so thats fair enough... she has a point. I don't even know if I will be all right tomorrow. But she continues to say how understanding they've been in the past with my illnesses and they just can't take the risk of having unreliable freelancers!!!! No!!!!!
This surprised and upset me because the "illnesses" she is referring to were all totally real and unfortunate. Two of them were last summer:
I fell off stage at a party and badly sprained my ankle so I had to keep my foot up for a couple of days with frozen peas but managed the rest of the week in the studio on painkillers and crutches.
Then, just when I thought it was safe to come off the crutches, I attempted the stairs at the same studio and fell down 2 flights, pulling my shoulder out as I grabbed the railing. I carried on working but the next morning was in agony. I went to my osteopath who said I might have torn a ligament and was pulling on my shoulder to see when we heard a pop and then I blacked out. He had actually dislocated my shoulder trying to make it feel better. I went to hospital and was put back together and told to rest it for a few days. So I had to call in sick for that!! Not my fault!!!!
Then there are my excruciating period pains which I have to warn all new studios about. Basically for the first 24 hours of my period I am totally incapacitated. I am bent double with hot water bottles front and back and codeine coming out of my eyeballs. I have had 2 laparoscopy's, 1 colposcopy and other investigative work done to see if they can understand why my periods are so painful. I had a bit of endemetriosis removed and have a sizable fibroid which they said might have something to do with it but they didn't think it worth removing!! Their conclusion, after all these years is that I'm unlucky, its inherited (very true as my mother suffered terribly and had a hysterectomy at 30 and my sister has had a partial one at 43... not much hope for me then). But I have to explain to my prospective employers that this one day, almost every month, is a non work day. Embarrassing, humiliating but true. Of course, I can't say for sure that it will be the second Monday of every month... so sometimes it comes early and I have to call and explain. I hate it. Its the fucking bane of my life. I want to rip my insides out it hurts so much, so when I have to call and say "sorry its my period" I sound like a stupid, pathetic work-shy idiot. That's what she's referring to I think.
There is not much I can say back apart from sorry and please know it was real pain and I'm not making it up and I love working there and please don't drop me as a freelancer... I don't want to come across as unreliable. That's the worst feeling ever.
Ok thats the moaning done... I have just started getting paid for work I did 6 weeks ago. Money in the bank... weeeheeeee. Its been nearly 3 months since I had proper money! I can start eating nice things again and maybe going to the cinema once a week like old times and bloomin heck, I could really push the boat out and go to the theatre!! There's a hell of a lot of good stuff on right now!! AND if I do get my equity release I'm going to bugger off to the sun for a week and lie there and do nothing but read and swim and play tennis... yes, ON MY OWN most probably but who cares. Sun and sand, oh joy!!
However, a couple of moans for good measure!!
I still haven't heard if I'm getting my equity release. My mortgage broker called last week and sounded a little frantic about getting my applications off, to various lenders. I wondered why he was getting so agitated until he said "Well, I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I wanted to get all your stuff done and dusted today!" So, he's gone to Spain for 10 days and I won't hear anything until he comes back.. bloody brilliant. There's me stressed to the hilt, not sleeping, wondering what my future will hold, and old mortgage guy is off on his hols. Have a lovely time, don't worry about me!! So another agonising week of nothing.
I've been sleeping so badly its affecting my work. I toss and turn all night and fall asleep in a sweaty awkward position. I wake abruptly when the alarm goes off and I don't feel at all rested. My body thinks I've been working as a contortionist, all twisted and uncomfortable. Last week I was half an hour late for work on 2 mornings. The studio was fine with it, they are friends and didn't mind and it all works out ok because I just stay a bit longer at the end of the day...
This morning was a different story. I didn't fall asleep until past 3 am. I woke at 6am with a neck spasm so painful I couldn't move my head. When I tried to move, it shot a dagger up the back of my head into my temple. Shit shit shit, I thought, I have to go into work, I cannot let this stop me working. I ran a very hot bath, took some painkillers, rubbed on some arnica and then got back into bed for an hour. Nothing helped. By 8am I knew I had to make the dreaded call to work. Oh, this is a different studio to last week, by the way. A really great studio in Kensington that I love freelancing for. They were hit quite badly by the recession and have only just been getting their favourite designers back in, so I was thrilled when they rang last week and booked me. Now I was ringing the studio manager and trying to explain what had happened... on her voice mail!!! Anything you try and say on a Monday morning sounds flaky. No one believes there is anything wrong with you I'm sure. They all think "oh, I bet she had a heavy weekend and can't be bothered" But thats wrong! I get paid by the hour. If I call in sick, then I'm sick. I am losing a lot of money if I don't go to work and believe me, I cannot afford not to. So when I do call in sick its for a very damn good reason. I simply cannot work!!
So I sent off the message and hear nothing back. I call again at 9:30 and she is in a meeting. I text her at 10:30 and no answer. Shit... she hates me. I then get a text from her saying please read my email. Oh dear! So I get myself out of bed, hot water bottle wrapped round my head, secured with a tea towel (quite weirdly, a good 50's headscarf look!!!) and check my email. The disappointment in her message is just pouring out of the screen. She not only has got someone to replace me today but for the rest of the week because as she says "we can't risk you not being well tomorrow". Ok, so thats fair enough... she has a point. I don't even know if I will be all right tomorrow. But she continues to say how understanding they've been in the past with my illnesses and they just can't take the risk of having unreliable freelancers!!!! No!!!!!
This surprised and upset me because the "illnesses" she is referring to were all totally real and unfortunate. Two of them were last summer:
I fell off stage at a party and badly sprained my ankle so I had to keep my foot up for a couple of days with frozen peas but managed the rest of the week in the studio on painkillers and crutches.
Then, just when I thought it was safe to come off the crutches, I attempted the stairs at the same studio and fell down 2 flights, pulling my shoulder out as I grabbed the railing. I carried on working but the next morning was in agony. I went to my osteopath who said I might have torn a ligament and was pulling on my shoulder to see when we heard a pop and then I blacked out. He had actually dislocated my shoulder trying to make it feel better. I went to hospital and was put back together and told to rest it for a few days. So I had to call in sick for that!! Not my fault!!!!
Then there are my excruciating period pains which I have to warn all new studios about. Basically for the first 24 hours of my period I am totally incapacitated. I am bent double with hot water bottles front and back and codeine coming out of my eyeballs. I have had 2 laparoscopy's, 1 colposcopy and other investigative work done to see if they can understand why my periods are so painful. I had a bit of endemetriosis removed and have a sizable fibroid which they said might have something to do with it but they didn't think it worth removing!! Their conclusion, after all these years is that I'm unlucky, its inherited (very true as my mother suffered terribly and had a hysterectomy at 30 and my sister has had a partial one at 43... not much hope for me then). But I have to explain to my prospective employers that this one day, almost every month, is a non work day. Embarrassing, humiliating but true. Of course, I can't say for sure that it will be the second Monday of every month... so sometimes it comes early and I have to call and explain. I hate it. Its the fucking bane of my life. I want to rip my insides out it hurts so much, so when I have to call and say "sorry its my period" I sound like a stupid, pathetic work-shy idiot. That's what she's referring to I think.
There is not much I can say back apart from sorry and please know it was real pain and I'm not making it up and I love working there and please don't drop me as a freelancer... I don't want to come across as unreliable. That's the worst feeling ever.
Ok thats the moaning done... I have just started getting paid for work I did 6 weeks ago. Money in the bank... weeeheeeee. Its been nearly 3 months since I had proper money! I can start eating nice things again and maybe going to the cinema once a week like old times and bloomin heck, I could really push the boat out and go to the theatre!! There's a hell of a lot of good stuff on right now!! AND if I do get my equity release I'm going to bugger off to the sun for a week and lie there and do nothing but read and swim and play tennis... yes, ON MY OWN most probably but who cares. Sun and sand, oh joy!!
Thursday, 3 September 2009
God, I'm bored!!!
No one tells you, that as a single 41 year old, you will suddenly find yourself with no one to play with. All your friends are coupled up with babies and invariably need 6 weeks notice to do anything! Then, on the day you are supposed to meet up, have dinner, have a drink, go to the cinema... whatever, they ring you and say they can't make it due to sickness (child) or tiredness (them), or both. Its completely infuriating. Understandable but infuriating. I don't ever say anything of course, I totally understand how they must be feeling, probably more pissed off that THEY have to cancel. But, I think it's jolly well time I found some new friends. People who will turn up when they say they will, can stay out late, go off at a moments notice. I'm not saying I want to relive my twenties or something, all I would like is for someone to be free to go to the theatre, for a drink in the local, a drive to the sea. I haven't got a bloody boyfriend so I need my friends.
I'm bored and actually quite lonely. Never in my life did I think I would say that. My life has been so full of, well, living. Friends in abundance, phone always ringing, diary full!! Now I look at my diary and the gaping white pages stare back at me. I am thrilled at the doctors' appointment penciled in, it means I can have a good old chinwag with him... free therapy!! Ooh and I'm going swimming on Wednesday and maybe go and see the new Almodovar on Thursday! On my own!! And there's a possible dinner party in November but that will probably be canceled or rescheduled!
I'm not really quite sure where everyone has gone but what I am sure of, is that if I had a horrendous accident or fell over in the shower and hit my head, no one would find me or even know I had been hurt... for DAYS!! Most of my friends don't correspond with me until I ring, text or email first. Sometimes I think that may be why I want a baby... to feel loved and wanted and deserving!!
I'm bored and actually quite lonely. Never in my life did I think I would say that. My life has been so full of, well, living. Friends in abundance, phone always ringing, diary full!! Now I look at my diary and the gaping white pages stare back at me. I am thrilled at the doctors' appointment penciled in, it means I can have a good old chinwag with him... free therapy!! Ooh and I'm going swimming on Wednesday and maybe go and see the new Almodovar on Thursday! On my own!! And there's a possible dinner party in November but that will probably be canceled or rescheduled!
I'm not really quite sure where everyone has gone but what I am sure of, is that if I had a horrendous accident or fell over in the shower and hit my head, no one would find me or even know I had been hurt... for DAYS!! Most of my friends don't correspond with me until I ring, text or email first. Sometimes I think that may be why I want a baby... to feel loved and wanted and deserving!!
I sometimes wonder if I've done something to deserve this kind of crappy outcome but I honestly think I'm a good person. If this karma (what comes around, goes around) theory works... then I should be married with 3 kids, living in a huge country house, with a horse, chickens and two black labs!! Karma is shit!!
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