Lets talk about the exes

Its bad enough being single without finding out, month after month, that your friends are either getting married or having children, or both. When I was 35, I was actually really happy to hear of friends getting married and being pregnant. Now I'm 41, I hate hearing it. I get so jealous seeing pregnant women on the tube. I constantly look at mens ring fingers to see if they are married. I just can't help myself. I see a good looking chap over 40 on the tube, not wearing a ring, and I almost will him to look at me.. maybe it would be love at first sight. Mostly, said man is buried in the paper.

The worst though, is hearing about your ex boyfriends finding love and being happy. Year after year it happens. The love of my life was unfaithful and I don't think I ever forgave him. I tried, but every time he came back late or phoned to say he was working I became suspicious. I never ever trusted him again and it finally became too much for both of us and we split up. We were engaged at the time. The announcement had gone in the the Times and Telegraph and when he saw it, he freaked out. I think he knew what I knew, that it was just not right. I probably would have gone through with it, and 2 years down the line, regretted it. BUT, 2 months later he met another woman. Whilst I had to leave the country (and travel round India for 3 months) just to be away from him, he went out and got drunk one night, in the Long Island Ice Tea Bar (of all places) and met a Thai girl. One month later, she was was pregnant. 6 months later they were married. Talk about rebound!!!

The thing that upset me most was that we had so many mutual friends that went to the wedding. I thought, on the day of their wedding... can't you see this is wrong? It should be me!! No one thought it would work, no one thought they would stay together. In fact, most friends said that although they liked the Thai bride, they thought maybe she was just really clever and and had got what she wanted. Cynical and just a bit racist maybe. But, 11 years later, they are still together and with 2 gorgeous children. I hate them!

The one after the love of my life, was gorgeous. A total hunk. I wondered why he was with ME! I was smitten, he wasn't. His career was more important. He moved to Singapore and now has a new wife and child.

The next ex called me from Venice, a few months after we split up, just to tell me how happy he was, and that he was engaged. Thanks for that. We had talked about going to Venice ourselves. I had always told people that I would only go to Venice with a husband or a lover and to have my ex call up from Venice and gloat was all a bit much!

The next ex, a commander in the Navy, decided his love was the sea and not me.

The one after, a cousin (by marriage only, and very distant) took another girl to Morocco after I had suggested it. He recently told me his new girlfriend was pregnant.

The ex after that, decided he was still in love with his ex wife and couldn't have a relationship until he sorted his head out!

It seems, a lot of my life, I have been the one, before the one they marry. As if I was some sort of training ground to make them marriage material. It does seem unfair. A few of them have thanked me for making them better men. Does that mean I nagged them to death about certain things and only when we split up did they realise I was right? I wonder if I can ever be compatible with a man again? Have I got so used to being alone (my last serious boyfriend was the one in love with his ex wife... about 4 moths ago) that I show I'm too independent? I went on a internet date with an architect and we had a lovely time but on the way home he said "you give the impression you are so happy with your life and don't really need anyone". I was gobsmacked! Thats my confidence taking over, pretending to be fine and not actually betraying how lonely I am. I guess I need to find some sort of balance...

Its 4:30 am and I am writing this after being out with a gay friend for dinner. I made a desperate last attempt to ask him if he would help father my child. He said no. I came home about 2 hours ago, drunk, and have just watched "When Harry met Sally" for about the thirtieth time. Now I write... now I sleep.