A Day of change

Not to sound too dramatic but today could change my life.

I am about to board a train to go up to the Lake District to meet a man I have known for twelve years but not spoken to for two years, and stay with him in a deserted cottage with his dog for a couple of days to see what happens.

I suppose you need a bit of history for this all to make sense, so lets start with the man. His name is Mac and he is married. Oops, did I just type that?? Yes, you can see already why this is all a bit complicated but bear with me and please don't judge me until you've finished reading, that's all I ask. He has been married over thirty years and he is 50 years old. He married young and had kids young. The kids grew up and he and his wife grew apart... I know, bear with me, its an all too familiar story but true nonetheless. They still all live together in the same big, Victorian, detached house in North London. They get on well, in pretty good harmony BUT all in separate bedrooms. He hasn't slept with his wife in over ten years. He still loves her as a friend but does not want to hurt his family in any way and doesn't want to leave the children until they have left home. Judging by how long offspring stay at home these days, he could have a long wait!!

MacG said the first time he saw me, ten years ago, it was love at first sight. I was with my boyfriend and a bunch of friends, watching the rugby on a very busy Saturday, in a very busy Islington pub. I went to get a round of drinks and as I stood at the bar, MacG said hello. He had a northern accent and I said something about how he was a long way from home. That was it, short and sweet. During the afternoon, he looked over occasionally and I looked back. Nothing more. After the rugby had finished we all decided to go for dinner somewhere and began gathering up our things... coats, scarves, scattered newspapers and magazines. I then noticed, on the top of the Times newspaper, someone had written something. Its was a messy scrawl and I squinted to read it. "I would love to see you again. Call me." and then a number. I looked up and surveyed the pub but I already knew it was MacG that had written it. He was heading out of the door and just smiled. My friend Gary, unbeknown to me had watched this whole thing and playfully grabbed the newspaper off me and read it. "what a bloody perv... , that bloke just tried to pull Jules!!" He threw the paper at the boyfriend and we all laughed.

That was the first time. I saw him on and off for about 4 years after that, always at the same pub, always just the occasional small talk at the bar, secret messages written on scraps of paper or looks across the pub when Alex had gone to the loo. Gary always commented on the bastard across the bar and kept saying he would sort him out if he tried anything. It became a sort of inside joke, my own personal pub stalker. Boyfriend didn't seem to mind at all which says a lot actually.

We broke up soon after. A devastating break up which was so hard for me I went into a fairly long depression and took myself off to India for 3 months just so I didn't have to breathe the same air as him. It was a dreadful time but when I came back from India I started to hang out with friends again and start to have a good time. Inevitably, I went back to the Islington pub one night with Gary. Amazingly, Gary, the boyfriends best friend for years had been my biggest shoulder to cry on. He had stuck by me and helped me through my darkest days. I think everyone knew what a shit boufriend had been but it must have been hard for Gary to admit his best friend was a total wanker!! So Gary and I were having a drink and MacG walked in.. Gary whispered "Oi, your stalkers here" and laughed. I waited until Gary went to the loo and went up to the bar. I can't remember what I said but I made several trips to the bar that night and had longer and longer conversations and giggled and flirted with him. It felt good. I left him my number.

I think our first date was in the autumn of 2001. We went to watch a football match! That's so funny reading that now because I hate football and would have turned anyone else down if they had suggested it as a first date but MacG had a company box and champagne and said it would all be very civilised. I was swayed. As we waited in the main bar of the members room, a TV camera approached us and asked us for a comment on the outcome of the game. Me, being a bit of a drama queen, swooshed my hair and had a smile for the camera. I wasn't sure who was playing let alone give an appropriate comment but I then noticed MacG had walked away very quickly. I apologised to the camerman and followed him to the end of the bar. "That was live you know" he said. I looked baffled and he said "My kids will be watching so its hardly appropriate for Daddy to be seen on television with a strange girl." My mouth fell to the floor.. "kids?" "Yes" "and are the kids watching with Mummy?" I asked quietly. "Yes" he said. I looked at him for a long time and then turned and left, got a taxi home and turned my phone off. I didn't speak to him again for another 6 months.

He phoned often, leaving messages about how he needed to explain the situation, that it wasn't cut and dry and to please give him a chance. I did. I met him and he explained that he was separated from his wife but his kids were still so young he didn't want to leave the home. He hadn't told me because he knew it would come across badly and I would never have agreed on a date. I explained there was no chance of the relationship ever going further because fidelity was a big thing for me and even if he had separated from his wife he was still married and he would be being unfaithful. I had had one too many boyfriends be unfaithful and I knew what it was like being on the receiving end of it. If his wife ever found out, she would be so devastated and I just couldn't be responsible for that. So MacG and I agreed that we would have a purely platonic relationship, dinners, drinks, conversation an that was all.

For the next 5 years that is exactly what we did. MacG took me out for dinner at all the smartest London restaurants, we talked, we laughed, we flirted, we sometimes held hands. We didn't suggest anything else would happen. We both took it for what it was, a lovely lovely evening... once every couple of months. It began to get more difficult to not want to kiss this man. Every time we went out he was the most charming, chivalrous and wonderful companion, and I wanted more. One evening we were having dinner at the Sanderson, in one of the most romantic hotel gardens and I turned and looked at him and leant forward and kissed him. He looked truly startled. I think he actually thought this would never happen. Of course, we had drunkenly suggested getting a room at the end of one of our evenings and laughed it off but now it had happened. The first kiss had suddenly changed our relationship. All the frustrations and flirtations were in that one simple kiss and I knew that would be different from now on. We didn't really speak for the rest of the meal. We held hands underneath the table and didn't eat much. We both didn't want to say anything in case we messed it all up, it really was one of those moments. We left that night, quietly.

A few months went by and we didn't contact each other. I think we were both utterly terrified that the border had been crossed and there was only one way we both wanted it to go but the situation was still the same with him at home and I didn't want to be the mistress! So we were again at stalemate.

In July 2007 I received an email from MacG. "Please come to Norfolk with me for the weekend." I replied "ok". We didn't discuss reasons or outcomes, we both just knew it was about time. The years of pent up passion between us, bubbling under the surface at every meeting was just too much for us now and we would implode if something wasn't done about it. I told myself I wouldn't think about his wife, his children, I would just take each moment for what it was. We stayed in a beautiful old coach Inn near Holkham. The room he had booked was stunning, the entire top floor of the house with huge victorian bath and egyptian cotton bedding. Champagne arrived. I was so nervous I could hardly breathe and we both kept looking away and laughing. When something has been leading up to this moment for TEN years, your expectations are momentous. I couldn't help thinking.. but what if he's a terrible lover! Safe to say he wasn't and it was better than I could have imagined. Thank God and everyone else up there! The weekend was fabulous, long walks on the beach, sleepy naps in the afternoons, huge dinners and early nights. I began to think of what might happen next, what would happen when we returned to London.

We drove back to London in silence. Both of us thinking what happens now?? The reality of being back in town meant all the doubts and insecurities came to the surface again. As we said goodbye, I said "can we have dinner in a few days?" He looked at me frowning and said "Oh, God. Didn't I tell you.. I'm off on holiday with the kids for 2 weeks in the South of France." My face fell. "Jules, I'm so sorry I just forgot. But you can get me on my blackberry, obviously don't ring cos the kids might hear but you could text me before you go to bed or something". Reality. Slammed back in my face. Hard.

I went home and cried. I was already the other woman and I felt disgusting. I found out a few days later that his wife was also on the holiday with them. MacG had phoned me quite late one night to say he was thinking of me and that he missed me and when I asked him where he was, he said he was sharing the room with his son whilst the daughter was in with Mummy. Ouch. He realised what he'd said. Mummy was also on the family holiday. I hung up.

And here we are.. two years later. MacG emailed me constantly after Norfolk. Almost one a week. I never opened them and I never read them. They went to my junk mail I got over it and I stopped thinking about him. I made a new plan for me. One month ago I made the decision to have a baby on my own. I am now 41, maybe looking younger than 41, but my knight hasn't shown up and I really can't wait any longer for him. I am very positive about it all and incredibly excited. I have lost 2 stone since January because I know I have a better chance of conceiving not being overweight. I am very healthy and active.

I know what I want. So why did I open the email from MacG last week?? What made me, after 2 years of forgetting him, make me see his name in my email trash bin and open it? Maybe because I finally know what I want so I can't be swayed by him?? Wrong. I opened the email and he had written a very chatty short email about what he'd been up to and how much he missed me etc etc. I thought it a bit odd until I started going through old binned emails from the last 6 weeks. They were all very chatty and sweet, as if he was just having a catch up with me. I hadn't replied to one of them in TWO years yet he kept sending them.

I replied "hello there". He said he almost fell off his chair and gave a whoop of excitement in his office that I had replied after all this time. He told me he was going to the Lake District with his puppy and that I should come. I replied "ok".